The Bigger Picture:Conflicts are a normal part of life. It doesn't make sense to ignore or avoid them. Doing so only causes us to internalise stress, and our relationships to stagnate or deteriorate.
Yet, most of us don't know how to deal with conflicts in a constructive way - in a manner that encourages personal growth and closeness.
Often it is our fear of violence - and a misunderstanding of what causes violence - that makes us avoid conflict.
While conflict arises when we feel hurt, misunderstood or disagree in an area we feel we need alignment; violence is a way of acting out specific feelings - namely powerlessness and blame. While violence is common in our society, it is neither helpful nor necessary.
What makes conflicts so difficult is the intensity of feelings that comes with them. This affects our perspective. Ironically, most of the hurts that arise during a conflict are old: feelings of being overpowered, being powerless ourselves, not being heard and feeling misunderstood.
These are the feelings of our childhood, developed when we indeed had less structural power. We project them onto the current situation, understating both the real power of our voice and our ability to take responsibility.
Families, in particular, get into conflict. It is in families that we have our most intimate relationships. Thus, not only is it likely we will get hurt in these relationships but that these hurts will accumulate and amplify over time. Furthermore, they reach deeply, affecting us at the level of our self-esteem (particularly if they first hurt us when we were a child).
We often have expectations in our families - whether fair or realistic - that these people will protect us more, help us more, understand us more and "save" us more.
If they can't or don't - after all, they are also human with their own struggles - we get very hurt.
We don't even realise we have made ourselves dependent on them, even if we are now adults. We don't realise we aren't taking responsibility for things we can influence now we are adults.
Unfortunately, it is also in our closest relationships that we can most lose perspective on each other. Any place we struggle with our own self-esteem hooks onto the closeness. As such, we feel dependent again, and so unawarely manipulate and blame each other. When we fight from this position, we spend a lot of time justifying and explaining our "powerlessness" - "you made me. . ." rather than searching for insight.
There are a few key characteristics we can practise if we want to get through conflicts effectively.
The first one is self-belief. We need to notice we have a voice and that that voice is heard.
It is true, when both parties are "fighting" to be heard, neither one can listen effectively. If we really believe we can be heard, then we can start to consider what is required so that both of us can be heard effectively.
Second, we need faith. We need to be able to assess whether this person has belief and respect for us. This is an exercise of one's intellect, not one's heart (which is currently broken).
It is shown through the evidence in history, not how we are currently feeling. This is the nature of faith - belief in what is true, even if you can't see it at the moment.
If the evidence shows it to be true, you can believe you will listen to each other and resolve the conflict.
To resolve a conflict, you need to have something to have faith in. If trust has broken down significantly, this can be in a third party.
This third person should not be someone who will say what you want to hear or reassure you, but someone who can challenge both parties to gain greater awareness and take more responsibility, all the while demonstrating their belief in each side. This is the element of "faith".
Finally, resolution comes when we agree to make and notice changes.
This requires forgiveness - for one's self and for others. While forgiveness might feel like it's about someone else, it is actually a process for us to feel better, release the toxicity of the situation, reclaim power and encourage our growth.
It also gives space to the other - to be heard and seen within the context of their humanity.
This is the point when you let go of your pride and the defence of your hurts, and focus on what is much more important: healing and closeness.
It always takes two to get through a conflict. Indeed, what is required is an input of courage and willingness from two directions - to hear new information (that our hurt feelings wanted to block out), to become self-aware of how our behaviour also affects others, to grow and make changes in how we do things, and to notice the changes made by others.
I think it was Nelson Mandela who said, in order to have peace, you must know what your bottom line is, and then go one step further than that.