THAT'S MEN:Life can be a difficult balancing act for many
HARD WORK has long been seen as a virtue in our culture. But when singer/songwriter Bronnie Ware worked with people who were dying she found that most wished they had not worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient who I nursed,” she writes in her Inspiration and Chai blog. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.”
Some women also had this regret but because they were from an older generation, many had been full-time mothers and so had been deeply involved in the childhood of their sons and daughters.
“All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence,” she writes.
Sad? Yes, but there is something there to be honoured as well. For years men have stuck with jobs they found uncongenial or plain hateful in order to support their families.
Women have done the same thing, often working early and late in low-paid, part-time jobs to bring in money. As I mentioned above, they at least had the satisfaction of a deep involvement in their children’s lives.
For today’s career women, the situation is more like that of men and they too may one day wish they had spent less time at work. But, like men, they may have little option for all the usual financial reasons.
By the way, it strikes me that “career women” is an odd term as you don’t hear about “career men”, but that’s an issue for another day.
The most common regret among the men and women she nursed was that they had not had “the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.
Fair enough, but what of the person who sacrifices his dreams for his family or his partner, say? Doesn’t that deserve to be honoured? Contrast that with the person who leaves his family high and dry while he goes to “live a life true to myself . . .”
Personally, I prefer the first person, notwithstanding the regrets.
Perhaps the answer is to try to get a balance into our lives – to meet our own needs as far as is feasible while doing our duty towards others. A difficult balancing act but worth the attempt.
Another top regret of people who were dying was that they had suppressed their feelings to keep peace with others.
“As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.”
Now they wish they had said what they felt. In the end, she argues, speaking honestly “raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.”
Here’s one regret we can all do something about: the failure to stay in touch with friends. “It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip,” she writes.
I can empathise with that. Week by week, month by month we let friendships fall away, realising their value only when it’s too late.
“That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.” A chilling thought, isn’t it, especially if you have neglected old friendships?
She was struck by how common another regret was: I wish that I had let myself be happier. “Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content,” she writes.
“When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.”
It’s worth our while to learn from these points and to see what lessons they hold for our own lives. After all, these lessons were dearly bought.
I like Bronnie Ware’s writings, which have no cringe-making qualities and are worth dipping into and reading now and then. Her website is at inspirationandchai.com.
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail.