ASK THE EXPERT:Playing with shy toddlers and their friends will help them become more confident, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
MY THREE-YEAR-OLD daughter is a terrible mixer. She just seems really shy and withdrawn. It is as if she just gets more clingy to me. I invited another little girl from her pre-school over yesterday afternoon and it was a disaster. She refused to play with the other girl and I ended up trying to entertain the two of them separately.
It was twice the work of having my daughter on her own. I was thinking about organising more play dates for her but I am wondering if it will only make the situation worse.
With the summer coming in I know I will be arranging more stuff for my older two children and I had planned to make sure that she, too, has little friends over. But if she is just going to be ignoring those other girls, it may be a bit pointless. What do you think?
THE GREAT thing about play dates is that they usually work well for children and their parents. Children get to hang out with their peers and have a bit of fun.
Parents usually benefit from the fact that their child is distracted and happy which means they can turn their attention to other things for short periods of time.
Some parents will use the arrival of a friend who seems to entertain and occupy their child as a great opportunity to get other things done about the house. This is definitely an added bonus for parents but it is important to remember that the main function of the play date is for their child to have a chance to mix socially and have a bit of fun. But it doesn’t always work so easily for children and so it is still really important that you supervise your child and their friend(s).
Children’s ability to successfully mix socially varies greatly. Some children are naturally spontaneous and gregarious and they easily engage with a friend.
Other children are more wary and are slower to mix and play. This sounds like the issue for your child.
It may be then that you have to invest a bit more time in settling her in to the play date. It is okay to use your presence to make things easier for her.
Lots of younger children need their parents to be present and it may be that because you are used to the greater independence of your older children that you have forgotten just how much time you sometimes need to invest in three year olds.
Practically you need to support her to feel confident about choosing games or activities until she has that innate confidence for herself. It may be that you have to scaffold the play for her.
“Scaffolding” your child’s play means putting a bit of planning into things like the toys or activities that are available to them. It means being there in the early stages (and maybe even throughout the date) to show them how to use the toys, or how to share the toys with their friend.
It may mean playing with the children to create, perhaps, a puppet play or to successfully build a train track that the trains can actually run on.
While it is lovely to have our children involved in independent play there is no need to rush to achieve this. Ideally they will find a balance with their friend where they are content to play amiably either together or alongside each other.
However, having another child over to play is actually a great excuse to hang out with your own child sometimes.
Organising afternoon plays can also be problematic as younger children tend to be tired after their busy mornings. So it may be that they are grumpier and more irritable.
Story time to begin an afternoon play date can work really well as it gives children an opportunity to zone out and relax a bit, as well as allowing you to connect with your child and their friend in a warm and comfortable way.
Do remember that children under the age of four can find it very difficult to share and have few skills of negotiation. This means that territorial battles can emerge which need adult involvement to resolve.
Do remember also, that the old adage of “two’s company, three’s a crowd” often holds true for play dates.
You may find that one-on-one play time with a single friend works much better than having a group of children around to play. Once there is a group it increases the risk of scape-goating and one or more children may be excluded from the game.
Having single friends over also makes it easier for your child to develop friendships (with no distraction or competition from other children). This can be especially helpful if your child is shy by nature.
Getting to know a child well through one-on-one play times can mean that your child will feel more confident in group situations like the pre-school because at least she will feel she knows one child well. So do persevere!
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television, www.davidcoleman.ie
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@ irishtimes.com