Trust your instincts when making decisions about sleeping arrangements, writes David Coleman
I WANTED to ask you your views on sleeping arrangements for young children. We have two children, a boy of two and a girl of six months.
At this stage our daughter is ready to move out of our room. What I am concerned about is whether we move her in with our two-year-old son or if she should have her own room. My instinct is that it would be a good thing to have them to share - I and my siblings shared when we were young and with a bit of adjustment it worked well most of the time.
However, my main concern is that they will keep each other awake for nights on end, or wake each other up during the night if one is sick, etc. As sleep is precious and I am due to go back to work in the new year I am afraid to try this for fear of the consequences, especially as our daughter will start the creche and there is so much change imminent.
Would you suggest that I bite the bullet and put them together or keep them separate for the moment?
For lots of families, there is no choice about co-sleeping. Necessity and space demand that children share with each other or with their parents. So when you have a choice about room sharing then this is a bonus.
Of course given that choice, many parents do choose to settle their child from day one in their own room while other parents celebrate the communality of sharing space during the night.
Indeed the variety of sleeping options that families choose suggests that there can be no absolute right or wrong about where we have our children sleep.
I'd say if we set up video cameras in most homes we'd witness phenomenal amounts of bed and room-hopping as children and their parents come and go to get the best night's sleep possible.
Sleeping alone might allow some children an uninterrupted night, and for others may lead to anxiety in the separation. Sleeping together gives great comfort to some children and leads to disruption and giddiness at settling time for others.
As I think I have said in response to earlier queries, I am a fan of co-sleeping. I think we are social beings and family communality breeds security and confidence in children.
Co-sleeping is not the same as bed-sharing. Co-sleeping is the more general term used to describe when we choose to either sleep in the same room as our children or have them share with each other.
The key thing for you to hold onto in coming to your own decision is your instinct. You mention that your instinct tells you to have them share a room. I think you would be wise to follow that instinct.
Of course, if your instinct proves wrong and it is unsettling for either or both of them, you can just change to separate rooms if space in your house allows.
Sharing the room might work easier for you because you can probably settle them both to bed at different times. Depending on the rhythm and routine that your daughter has come to, she may have a regular bedtime. Even if she doesn't yet, your son probably does and so you can engineer it that he goes to bed either before his sister or after she is asleep.
In my experience, children tend not to wake each other during the night, even if one of them is puking or you are in changing sheets after a bed-wetting incident.
It is, of course, possible that they can chat, giggle and wind each other up at bedtime. However, if your ground rules and boundaries are clear from the start by the time they get to talking age they should be clear that such messing won't be tolerated.
The issue of the timing of any move for your daughter out of your room, irrespective of whether she goes to her own room or to share with her brother, requires a bit of thought.
It sounds like you are already close to the deadline for returning to work and it may be that this bedroom transition will merge with the move into the creche and it may all end up being too much change for your daughter to get used to easily. And, as you seem to recognise, change can lead to anxiety.
Interestingly, disrupted sleep is often one way for children to display anxieties from daily life because their dreams may be processing the stresses of the day. If her move to sharing a room coincides with starting in the creche and she ends up with disturbed sleep, it may be harder to tell what is the cause of that disruption.
So, on balance, I would suggest leaving her in your room for a few more months and making the bedroom shift next March or April.
At that stage move her to sharing with her brother. Stagger the bedtimes to let them settle without disturbing each other and with a bit of luck you may get to enjoy having your bedroom back to yourself and himself and whatever ye might get up to!
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television.
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irishtimes.com