ASK THE EXPERT:Separation can be very difficult for teenagers as they feel they have to pick sides between parents and this can lead to a build-up of resentment, writes David Coleman
MYSELF AND my husband separated just after Christmas. To be honest, it was coming for a long time and there was huge conflict between us for several years. He constantly tried to put me down and criticised everything I did.
At Christmas I discovered that he was seeing someone else and finally enough was enough. I told him to leave and, begrudgingly, he did in early January. My worry now though is for my 15-year-old son.
Since Easter especially he has been in almost constant trouble in school and they nearly didn't let him sit his end-of-year tests as he had been mitching school and going drinking in the day.
I am distraught by his behaviour but when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses me and tells me to f-off and mind my own business.
I can't talk to his dad to tell him to get on to our son and in fact I feel like he (his dad) is undermining any attempts I make to sort things out.
How can I get through to my son that he is only making a mess of his own life?
IT SOUNDS like you are in a really difficult position and dealing with several very significant things all at once. Your separation is comparatively recent and I am sure that it alone occupies a lot of your emotional space. On top of that you have all this worry about your son slipping off-track.
How much have you spoken to him about the separation and the lead up to it? Is he aware of the circumstances? It is possible that he could be blaming you for sending his dad away and "wrecking the family". It is also possible that he could be blaming his dad, but not letting him know, and taking out his distress on you instead.
You must also remember that your son had 14-and-a-half or 15 years of watching the interaction between you and his dad and will have been acutely aware of what you describe as his dad's constant criticism of you.
In that case, it is also very likely that he has learned to be critical and dismissive of you too.
Conflict between parents is very difficult for children and teenagers to negotiate through. Ultimately they feel like they have to pick sides and this fact alone can lead to resentment building up.
They also can feel a lot of anger at their perception of one parent being mistreated by the other. Feelings of fear at receiving similar mistreatment can also abound.
The instability and uncertainty about the future that separation brings also breeds anxiety in parents and children alike. Teenagers need time to adjust to this change just like everyone else.
You don't say it and so I am assuming that before the separation your son was doing well enough at school and coping in most respects. If that is the case then his recent difficulties are likely to be part of his reaction to the split between you and his dad. It seems he may be trying to drown out his feelings by acting up in school and drinking.
Alcohol is a powerful short- term neutraliser of bad or stressful feelings. It numbs the emotional pain he might be experiencing for a short time and yet resolves nothing such that when he sobers up his life seems just as bad as ever.
Then he probably quickly turns to more alcohol to keep blocking out any distressing feelings.
Unfortunately, the nature of his chosen way of acting out his feelings is potentially very dangerous and ultimately self-destructive.
Because of the seriousness of his behaviour, stay connected to his school and whatever support they can offer.
If he continues to truant and abuse alcohol then you may need to follow up with your local HSE services too (if you are not there already).
The challenge for you, personally, is to try to connect with him at an emotional level without being rejected or ignored by him.
Be reassured though, that by trying to recognise his feelings for him, you actually make rejection less likely.
We all like to feel understood and that someone knows how difficult our situation is (even if they can do nothing to resolve it).
Work hard to find moments in your interactions with your son when he is sober and not argumentative and during those moments comment to him about how you wonder about, or guess at the feelings he may be having (similar to the possible feelings I have outlined above). These are simply observations; don't be tempted to judge.
You can't control his dad's interaction with him so don't even try. Focus instead on building up your own understanding relationship with him. Remember that he is still a good youngster at heart. In time you can use your improved relationship with him to influence his choices about the really important issues of alcohol use and school.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television. He is currently recruiting teenagers for a new TV show; full details can be found at www.firebrand.ie
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie
www.davidcoleman.ie