For psychologist Tony Humphreys, a child's value is in its uniqueness, writes Niamh Hooper
The Catholic Church has made it impossible for us to love others, according to psychologist and author Dr Tony Humphreys.
"Sadly the best kept secret in the Catholic Church is that our most sacred duty is to love the self. If you don't love yourself, you cannot love another - your love will be conditional and that isn't love," he says.
"In loving your children - or anyone else - love needs to be given with no strings attached. It needs to be unconditional. If you're upset when you don't receive back the love you gave, it wasn't real love. It had conditions," he says.
"An essential truth that seems to have got lost in today's society is that a person's value does not lie in what they have done or how they have behaved but in the unique person they are. Only when you can acknowledge your own unique value will you be able to see and appreciate it in another.
"Of all the responsibilities a parent has to its child, the most important is to love him or her unconditionally."
Now 60, as a young man Dr Humphreys decided to become a priest. After caring for his invalid mother for years, at 18 he went into the enclosed monastery in Myross in West Cork. Seven years later, a month before ordination, he walked out. All he possessed was a black suit and £40.
His journey since has been varied. He started out as a primary school teacher and is now a leading clinical psychologist, lecturer and international best-selling author of books translated into 24 languages from Chinese to Croatian.
His private practice work in Midleton, Co Cork led to his 11th book, All About Children. A compassionate, no-nonsense guide to parenting, in it he answers the questions parents most frequently ask him as an authority on child development.
His answers often don't correspond with mainstream thinking, a likely explanation of why he has hundreds of clients - adults, adolescents and children. Maybe among them are people who've discovered that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got and so want to try a different approach.
"One of the greatest examples a parent can give his or her children is not to conform," Dr Humphreys says.
"When you conform you lose your individuality, you hide your uniqueness and eventually you'll feel unhappy. Conformists have never felt true joy and excitement because they are always living other people's lives."
However, he's not advocating becoming a rebel. "Rebels live other people's lives too, they are always reacting to others. We're only really living life when we're living from the inside out."
Addictions to food, drugs, sex, smoking, alcohol, money, success, prestige, endlessly giving to others and the most common one of all - the addiction to concern about what people think of you - are, he says, substitutes for love of yourself and others and living your own unique life.
What stops people from being true to themselves? "The simple answer is fear."
How a parent feels about themself influences everything he or she does, particularly how the children feel about themselves.
This fact is borne out in the questions children most frequently ask Dr Humphreys as compared with the adult variety.
Adults questions tend to include: "How do I get my kids to tidy up after themselves?" "How can I stop the nail-biting?" "How important is a hug to a child? "How can I deal with my child's considerable aggression?"
Children's questions are simpler: They tend to revolve around, "Am I loved or liked or wanted?"
"The most basic of human needs is to be loved and the nature of each parent's relationship with self will determine how they love and relate to each child," he says.
For those parents who protest they treat all their children the same, Dr Humphreys predicts trouble.
"A parent who says that is neither in touch with their own uniqueness or that of their child.
"There is nothing surer than the reality that each child has a fierce determination to express his or her individuality.
"It is a wise parent who, acting from their own solid place of unique interiority, affirms and supports all efforts on the child's part to establish his or her individual presence in the family," Dr Humphreys says.
In support of this he strongly recommends weekly family meetings where all can express themselves freely.