Health Plus:PARENTING HAS become too prescriptive. There are too many contradictory rules. Some say that it has become professionalised and circumscribed, task oriented, goal directed and that many parents feel disempowered by this. This is why "spontaneity" may be a liberating parenting approach for both parent and child, writes Marie Murray
Children who are joyous, energetic and spontaneous gather friends around them. They send out positive messages to others and receive positive affirmation in return. They are more likely to be the first who are chosen for teams, the people others want to befriend and the kind of people their classmates would like to be. They are active, effervescent, willing to explore, to try new games, to welcome the new pupil into the school, to sign up for sporting and creative activities and to have a positive approach to life.
Children who are spontaneous reach out rather than close up in response to novelty. They are often described as daring, happy-go-lucky and adventurous. People tend to be positive about them, which with classic Pygmalion effect, charms their lives. Their confidence is high and their self-esteem is good because they have a collection of evidential experiences of competence to reassure them about their capabilities when the next challenge appears.
Whether children are gifted with spontaneity depends on many factors: family history, parental optimism and extended family relationships at the time the child was born. It may depend upon the temperament of the child, early life experiences, position in family, disposition of siblings and the models of behaviour available from others around the child.
In the family that is overly cautious, pessimistic, wary of spontaneous behaviour and fearful of spur of the moment activities, then spontaneity, as a way of responding to life, is unlikely to develop. That is why among all the wonderful ideas with which parents may imbue their children, helping them to be spontaneous is important because it equips them to respond to life and to live responsively.
Spontaneous play between parent and child is a feature of parent-child interactions. Turn taking, peek-a-boo, imitative behaviour and improvisation are all part of play. What makes play different to goal-directed behaviour is that it is liberating, it is imaginative, it is intuitive, it is without constraint and it is not concerned with outcomes but with living in the moment. The process of play is its most important component.
In psychotherapy with children, improvisation, spontaneity and responsiveness are intrinsic to the psycho- therapeutic process. Following where the child leads, entering imaginatively into his or her world or the world the child creates for the therapist, participating in the lives of fictional characters created by the child and listening to the child's spontaneous stories are essential ingredients in therapy.
Children who are helped to be spontaneous have been given a special approach to life. For spontaneity is a gift. It is the art of the impromptu. It is knowing how to say yes to the unexpected: responding to the spur-of-the moment, seizing all that is offered and not having to deliberate obsessively before embarking on potential adventures offered in life. To be spontaneous is to be courageous, optimistic and intuitive and believe that saying yes will bring more rewards than opting out.
It is seeing the potential in every situation and recognising its possibilities.
Adults who are responsibly spontaneous provide a model for their children of life. They show that spontaneity is about savouring the moment and seizing every opportunity. It may be taking the late- availability family holiday offer. It is making the most of what is available. It is a form of optimism but it exceeds optimism because it actually acts upon that positive ideology in everyday life.
Spontaneity is what energises us about jazz, what we appreciate in tap-dancing. Spontaneity is sweeping your child up for a spontaneous dance, bursting into song, and occasionally providing an unexpected treat for no other reason than because life itself is always worth celebrating.
Children who watch their parents behave in joyous, spontaneous but responsible ways find life exciting, the world secure and the future full of possibilities. They respond to opportunities, enjoy challenges and avail of lucky breaks.
Teaching children to be spontaneous in responsible ways is not teaching them to be irresponsible, incautious, rash or impetuous. It is not about impulsive or risky behaviour. It is not inappropriate abandon- ment of required duties and obligations.
But it is a message that life is to be celebrated, it is to be lived, worked at and responded to and that if you meet it half way it will be a more joyous journey for you and for others.
Clinical psychologist Marie Murray is director of the student counselling services in UCD.