ASK THE EXPERT:Recognising teenagers' right to privacy while trying to protect them can be a difficult situation for parents, writes David Coleman.
OUR SON of 16 is sexually active with his 17-year-old girlfriend. When we suggested we speak to his girlfriend's mother he got very angry.
It turns out that while we now know about their activity, her parents are not aware of it. When we consider the risks involved for the two of them, we now feel a responsibility to make sure that her parents, or at least her mother, is aware so that we can all look out for the two of them.
We are concerned for example that if she gets pregnant, and her parents find out that we were perfectly aware of their activity, they may feel we should have told them about it.
Our son thinks that we are weird, because we can talk to him about his sex life and that his girlfriend's parents are normal, because they do not. (We think differently.)
So he is afraid he'll lose his girlfriend, if we "blow the whistle" on them. Should we be worrying about this contact with her parents, or is there a better approach?
You can't beat parenting for throwing up ethical dilemmas!!
What you are struggling with is a good moral conundrum. The reason you are struggling is because you can recognise the competing needs, responsibilities and rights of everyone involved.
Choosing between those is not easy. Sometimes it is the process by which we make a decision that is as important as the decision we make. So rather than give you my solution (which may not fit with your values) I am giving you a decision-making process instead.
This is a six-step strategy (derived from our ethical decision- making code in psychology) that you can use to make your own decision about whether or not to tell his girlfriend's parents.
Given the level of communication you have with your son it would be great to involve him in this too.
STEP ONE
Define carefully the issues and parties involved. List all the people affected by your decision and be clear about what it is you are deciding, ie is it the issue about the safety of teenagers having sex or the rights of all parents to be aware of their teenagers' behaviour or a right of teenagers to act independently and without reference to their parents. Or something else?
STEP TWO
Evaluate the rights, responsibilities and welfare of all affected parties. This is the key bit and usually the difficult one because ethical dilemmas by their nature usually pit the rights of one person against the rights of another.
Still, try to see things from everyone's point of view. It can be hard to remember that teenagers have a right to privacy, as much as anyone else, and that includes, for example, your son's girlfriend.
But then by respecting her privacy (and not telling anyone else about the situation) are you actually promoting her welfare if in fact she does need guidance and support to avoid unexpected pregnancy?
STEP THREE
Generate as many alternative decisions as possible - the more the better. Imagine scenarios where you do talk to her parents, where you encourage the teenagers to talk to her parents, or your son to talk to her parents, or nobody talking to her parents, or you talking to her yourselves without talking to her parents.
Don't judge any possible alternative yet, just get as many as possible out on the table.
STEP FOUR
Evaluate carefully the likely outcome of each decision. Remember what core issues you feel are relevant and how each issue will be affected by each decision.
Remember the rights and responsibilities that you identified and how these will be affected
Try to empathically put yourself in each of the key participant's place when you do this process. Seeing the world through the eyes of another can be a very powerful tool.
STEP FIVE
Choose what, in your judgment, is the best decision, implement it, and inform the relevant parties. The reality is that all we are ever doing for our children is what we think is in their best interests.
God knows we get it wrong sometimes but we also get it right too.
If you have involved your son in this then you might find that you will come to a different decision than you would alone and one that is possibly richer and more strengthening for your family. It is good for him too to share in the responsibility and to "own" the final decision.
STEP SIX
Finally, take responsibility for the consequences of the decision. Not everyone is likely to be fully satisfied by the decision you eventually take.
This is the time to stand up as a parent and accept that even if we don't always get it right we do always care. So long as that care and concern is genuinely motivating our decisions then that will be good enough.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He has also presented two series of Families in Trouble. He is currently working on a new series called 21st Century Child.
Reader queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie