TVScope: Pets Are People: Karma Dog, BBC2, Thursday, February 9th, 10pm.
'Don't ask my permission," says Ben to Judy. "Do it for you."
Ben is a dog. Judy is his owner. Ben talks to Judy through a psychic called Elaine.
Ben likes shiatsu and Reiki and finds flower essences calming.
Yes, we are in the world of alternative medicine here. In fact, we are on the very fringes of alternative medicine.
This BBC2 documentary featured Judy's attempts to get help for Ben who, when he "gets in one of his moods", is quite capable of grabbing another dog by the throat. Since Judy has four dogs and two cats, this is clearly very undesirable behaviour indeed.
Her search for help for Ben brings her not only to Elaine but also to Sue, an expert in flower essences, and to Jacqueline who does shiatsu for dogs.
"I try really hard to be very good," Ben tells Elaine. "I need help because I cannot do this on my own."
Sue tries out her flower essences on Ben. She believes he suffers from an inferiority complex due to having been born directly onto a cold floor. When he continues to "grumble", as she puts it, despite the flower essences, she adds a new one, Mountain Devil, which she says is good for dealing with buried anger. Ben later tells Judy, through Elaine, that he feels calmer thanks to the flower essences.
But Judy wants more. She holds a dowser - an object tag attached to a string - over a very long list of alternative therapies. The dowser rejects everything from the Alexander Technique to shamanic behaviour counselling before saying yes to shiatsu.
Shiatsu is a form of therapeutic massage said to be a bit like acupuncture without the needles. Judy brings Ben to Jacqueline who runs a therapy centre for animals in need of help.
At the end of the shiatsu session, Jacqueline comes to the conclusion the problem is not Ben, it's Judy. Judy is not assertive enough. She is failing to be top dog and Ben is unhappy with this.
Judy returns to Elaine to find out what Ben thinks of it all. This time she does not have to bring Ben with her: Elaine is able to contact him by holding his photograph and entering a mental amethyst cave by the sea where the universe puts them in touch. It's a bit like psychic e-mail.
It is when Elaine asks Ben whether he would like Judy to be more assertive that he replies, "Don't ask my permission. Do it for you. You don't think you're worthy of being out in the outside world," he adds. Thus emboldened, a grateful Judy goes off and works on her self-esteem.
The programme provided a fascinating glimpse into what is a daft but harmless world. At the very least, Judy's dogs get loads of attention and loving care. And maybe they really do know what they're saying and perhaps they really are all experts on personal development. Think about that the next time your dog looks at you mournfully or bites a neighbouring child. Leave the dog alone and get yourself sorted out. Get off to a counsellor double quick. Woof woof.
Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor.