I WOULD be the first to admit that I am not blessed with Eva Herzigova's two greatest assets, but then I don't have ambitions to earn my millions making titillating remarks to passers by from bus stop boardings. Walking up to a tall, handsome stranger in a bar, flashing come hither glances and brandishing two fried eggs (an ex-boyfriend's description, not mine) while trussed up in a Wonderbra is frankly not my scene. It probably wouldn't work anyway.
So imagine my horror when, having suggested a feature about some of the new uplift lingerie and hosiery, I was told, Great, but why not write the piece from personal experience? Try out everything yourself and see if you get any reaction." I swallowed hard, having just been talking about knickers that lift the butt and flatten the tummy, silicon pads that enhance the cleavage and tights that slim thighs.
Admittedly, as a woman in my mid thirties, I have to admit that gravity is beginning to take its toll. Physical perfection has never been an obsession but there's no denying the first horrifying signs of cellulite the day my bottom decides to relocate itself towards my knees can't be far off.
Women today really should be thankful they don't have to suffer the agonies of corsets and laced in stays that earlier generations endured, in the quest for the perfect silhouette. Thank goodness for clever Dr Wallace H. Carothers from Du Pont, who made the important discovery of Lycra in 1937. It's the modern and most painless way of remoulding crucial body parts, redistributing or even rendering invisible any excess flesh.
Even so, summer dresses don't allow us to hide much, especially not droopy bottoms or heavy thighs, so Triumph's new Bijou Shape Up briefs, with panels that smooth the tummy and lift the derriere, are a dream. In fact, after a test run for the benefit of a potential boyfriend (and attracting a few wolf whistles on the way), I've renamed these knickers Wonderbutt. The panels of reinforced Lycra net may not look highly desirable but remoulding the behind into a perfectly pert bottom does wonders for a woman's self esteem.
THIS summer, a number of figure smoothing sculpture tights have hit the stores. Wolford's Up tights are being promoted with an erotic set of advertisements shot by photographer Helmut Newton. The gorgeous, soft and silky black hosiery certainly hoisted up my bottom, even if the resultant curves weren't quite as cute as those on the professional model. I also tried Falke's Wonderpo (a rather unfortunate name), which were wonderfully comfortable and did all that the packaging, promised they would lifting my bottom, flattening my tummy and smoothing the, thighs.
And as I struggled into a pair of Aristoc Uplift Bodytoners, I learnt a fundamental lesson you can't put these items on while standing up. They're so strong that trying to balance and insert my second foot into the toe, I fell over. They were certainly effective, but my research was beginning to leave me feeling trussed up like an oven ready chicken.
Of course, these triumphs of technology require huge amounts of thick Lycra worked into panels like an ungainly jigsaw across cellulite. They may improve the out line from the exterior, but being caught in them while wearing nothing else on top could prove highly embarrassing. Sexy they most definitely are not. As one wag remarked a man attracted to the perfect looking figure in clothes could receive a nasty shock when he encounters the real woman underneath.
It was a warning worth heeding as I tried out the best discovery of my research. I went to lingerie designer Janet Reger in London to experience Curves. These are pads of flesh coloured silicone gel that slip into an under wired bra and enhance the cleavage.
They're better than implants because they mould to the shape of the bust and move around like real breasts. Suddenly my two fried eggs looked more like well rounded peaches. Curves come in three sizes, so my 34B can be transformed into a 34C, D or even E. The results are thrilling I can now look voluptuous in a strapless top or a bikini. What's more, these almost invisible falsies push your breasts out, appear to pull the waistline in and suddenly you've acquired an hourglass figure with out any pain.
These are Curves to conquer but beware not on a first date. The press office at Janet Reger told me a story, possibly apocryphal, of a girl who was so delighted with her new silicone friends that she wore them on a first date with a man she'd been eyeing for ages. It was only when he was about to slip his hand around her bra that she suddenly remembered her Curves and made an embarrassed dash for the bathroom. I have been warned.