Angie Mezzetti looks at ways of getting through Christmas, special occasions and everyday life when you decide to split up.
Get some counselling for yourself if you are going through a separation or divorce to deal with your own emotions. "You need someone outside the family to talk to," according to Kay O'Hanlon of the Family Life Centre in Cabinteely. "If people haven't handled the emotions around a break-up, they will act it out through their children in spite of themselves.
There are huge emotions involved - hurt, rejection, aloneness, isolation, frustration and fear. Build-ups of resentment and anger occur when things are kept in. "If they release all that to someone outside the family they go forward in the relationship in a new way. Counselling helps them deal with these emotions and helps them to be more grounded."
Men especially need counselling because often they may not have the vocabulary to express their emotions, according to Cassian Sweeney, counsellor with Aim Family Support.
Eamonn Quinn of the Unmarried and Separated Fathers of Ireland also recommends men to get counselling.
"Productivity in the workplace is being affected because men's emotions are not being addressed at an early stage. Women tend to be good in a crisis whereas men can fall apart and can resort to alcohol abuse." The best piece of advice he got when he hit an emotional crisis during his separation was from a psychiatric nurse who told him: "There is only one you. No one can take your place, don't just sit there getting angry."
He says it pays to look after yourself, to get advice.
Agree on all aspects of who the children will go to at Christmas each year and how it is rotated and where Santa is to call on Christmas Eve. Also make agreements for special birthdays, first communions, confirmations and other religious ceremonies and occasions. Eamonn Quinn believes that this Christmas will be particularly hard on separated fathers because it falls on Sunday.
"Most fathers tend to have the children at the weekend but many fear that this year mothers will withdraw access because of it falling at the weekend."
He says it is also important to set out whether new partners are to be allowed to attend on these occasions. "No new partners should have any input into the child's special day."
Do a parenting course with your ex-partner both before and after a separation if possible - either together or separately. According to Kay O'Hanlon of the Family Life Centre, agreeing on parenting practices will help both partners to cope with issues that may arise. It will help them when children start playing one parent off against the other. In the classic case where a 13-year-old wants to go to a disco both parents should decide and be in agreement so that one parent doesn't appear to be the bad guy.
Don't use your children to carry messages from one to the other, says Kay O'Hanlon. "Sometimes parenting issues can be used as arrows to get at the other parent and that is terrible."
Consider the feelings of grandparents at Christmas and at milestones, says Paul Murray of Age Action Ireland. There can be extra pressures on them when a couple split and grandparents have few rights in this situation.
Under the Children's Act 1997 though, they can apply for access to a child through the courts. "Research says that while few wished to interfere in their grandchild's rearing, they do want to be considered as a resource within the family."
"If your relationship breaks down with your partner, don't take it out on his or her parents," says Una Hayden of the Grandparents Obliterated - an organisation which is now defunct because it became too big to manage.
"We want to be there for our grandchildren. Both parents need to be educated on the importance of keeping in touch with the wider family. It is rotten to stop a child having contact with grandparents and we had thousands of letters from distraught grandparents who were prevented from seeing their grandchildren.
"It is particularly bad at Christmas time," she says and some grandparents wonder, as they get older, if they will live to see the children when they reach 18. She recommends writing a card or letter to the child for every birthday or special occasion and storing these in a box to give later.
Maintaining contact with grandparents is vital for the child to understand their family tree and identity. "Even to know the medical history of the family," adds Una Hayden.
One secondary school in north Dublin has a "bring your grandparents to school day" which she says brings great reconciliation and she would love to see this rolled out in all schools. "It prompts kids to ask about their grandparents and to value them."
Ask for help if you get stuck. Treoir, the national federation of services for unmarried parents and their children, in its guidebook, Family Links Steps and Stages, says even when you believe you have followed all the suggestions and things are not going well, you should not be afraid to seek professional help.
This booklet is a very practical guide to coping with separation and child rearing in a shared parenting situation.
It is available from Treoir, 14 Gandon House, IFSC, Dublin 1. tel: 01 - 670 0120 or visit www.treoir.ie