THE BIGGER PICTURE: In recent weeks I have written about the possibility of being great, and the struggles that get in our way.
There is a structure by which we can heal our struggles, even the darkest ones. It engages both our minds and bodies, and is quite natural to humans, although the instinct and skill to use it has been misunderstood and almost removed from us in recent times. Nevertheless, this process works to heal our lives and move us forward.
It is important that we do things that feel very hard. Those people who can, and who have the supports in place to heal their struggles, find their lives take off.
They soar. They are the few individuals who stand out from the rest, and whom we greatly admire.
Those who find themselves too frightened, and lack the support, get lost in their struggles.
They bring their lives as far as they can manage, but stop short of vibrancy.
Their loves move more slowly, if at all, getting confused when the path seems uncertain.
We must go to where we find things most difficult, and have a structure in place to heal us while there.
The structure looks like this: do not let yourself be isolated with your struggles. Decide to have people in your life capable of offering you support and love when you have difficulties.
Choose these people intelligently: they must be capable of listening without trying to fix things for you, loving you deeply, seeing your greatness past your struggles, and remembering your intelligence, power and inherent goodness through it all.
To get through real pain, we must be able to share it with those who will let us heal from it, and notice when we have grown and when those struggles no longer have power over us. We need people who will still be delighted with us when we are stronger people. This kind of support can bring us through anything.
Second, we must be willing to feel. We cannot just talk about feeling disappointment. We have to be willing to physically feel it. It isn't enough to attempt to think over our fears. We need to release them.
At some point, we will need to let our fear surface in our bodies.
Close your eyes and concentrate. Teach yourself to bring fear up. It's a practice. When it emerges, you will probably sweat or shake. Other very natural things may happen: tears, laughter, deep yawns.
We carry our fears around with us all the time, and it's exhausting. Bringing them up doesn't create more fear. It is the only way we can release them.
It is essential to do this with someone. Find someone you trust, with enough flexibility themselves to stay with you, watch while you feel and remain encouraging.
This is real love - knowing that people need to feel their emotions to recover from them, and giving them the chance to do this with loving attention.
It is not enough to cry on our own for 100 hours without someone's good attention.
We need perspective and love to heal. We need acknowledgment and connection. Attention is the greatest tool we have. In it lies the power to heal anything. And we will need to offer this in turns to empower each of us fully.
Old feelings are not a reflection of what is happening in the world right now. They are not real and must be let go for us to have ourselves completely.
No harm comes to us from feeling, though the emotion itself might feel like dying. What kills us is the rejection, suppression or denial of our feelings - interrupting the natural process that lets us heal from them.
Finally, for healing to take place, we need contradictions: things that are true about ourselves, that stand in contrast to the hurts we carry. Noticing a contradiction is the key to healing our feelings.
They stand alone as faults in the irrational "logic" of our struggles. Contradictions are things like: "My existence makes a difference. I am beautiful. My thinking is good." Facts, despite what we're feeling.
Choosing to notice a contradiction means deciding that we might not be insignificant, unattractive or stupid. This thought often brings about a physical healing.
We need to agree to take on new perspectives and let go of our old ones. We need to notice we are great, and commit to it.
Our love for others creates a good motivation to let go of our struggles. It is tedious loving someone who consistently refuses to believe in his/her self.
It is exhausting holding out a higher expectation for someone than they will allow for themselves.
More so, one person's limits restrict the amount of hope we are all allowed to have. And, what we need most from each other is the model of endless hope.
There is a reason to fight for our greatness against our struggles. As we let go of our struggles, we will have to redefine how we see ourselves.
When we do this, we will create for ourselves a whole new world.
Shalini Sinha has established Forward Movement, a clinic where she practises life coaching and the Bowen Technique, and teaches counselling skills.