MIND MOVES:For 2009, consider taking steps to maximise interaction with others, writes Terry Lynch
I AM often struck by how patterns of relating we acquire in our developmental years may continue throughout our lives. When these patterns cause recurring problems for us in our lives and relationships, they are worth addressing.
A man in his 40s attended me because he felt stuck in a rut. His childhood had been problematic on many levels. Both parents had substance addiction problems throughout most of his childhood. He and his two sisters spent much of their childhood in fear of the chaos and high drama which could erupt at any moment.
From an early age, roles at home were confused and contradictory, the children regularly having to parent their parents.
His childhood had many effects on him. One particularly important effect was his recurring habit of avoiding intimate emotional contact. He had been in several loving relationships over the years. They all ended similarly, the woman eventually losing patience with his refusal to allow emotional closeness and intimacy to develop and flourish between them.
This recurring pattern made sense. Having regularly felt let down, not cared for and hurt, in order to survive the emotional rollercoaster which was his childhood, he stopped relying on and reaching out to his parents. He turned inwards, relying solely on himself across all areas of his life, including the most delicate aspects of himself such as his feelings.
He continued this pattern into his adult life. Emotionally, he let nobody in. Fundamentally a very nice man, he had many relationships and friendships, all of which tended to be transient. He would never let either group get close to him emotionally. Friendships and relationships therefore fizzled out.
From his perspective, it was safer to stay within his emotionally solitary world than to risk letting someone in. His need to protect himself from the risk of exposure to further emotional hurt and rejection surpassed his albeit strong desire for emotional intimacy. We generally tend to meet what we perceive to be our greatest need, even when the consequences of this are further loneliness and isolation.
A similar pattern was present in another man who attended me. Now in his 50s, his childhood was characterised by an extremely close relationship with one parent and a very distant and fear-dominated relationship with his other parent. Sheltered and over-protected by one parent and terrified of the other, he emerged into adulthood with an array of complex and convoluted patterns of relating, mirroring the unbalanced patterns of his relationship with his parents. His relationship with himself was similarly complicated.
He experienced a great deal of hurt, rejection, unpredictability and mixed messages in his childhood. Living in an environment which was heavily charged, his early life was an emotional rollercoaster. Rather than experience such overwhelming emotional pain on a regular basis, he devised strategies to minimise and avoid feeling such intense emotions.
For example, throughout his childhood he habitually attempted to be whoever or whatever he thought others wanted him to be in order to keep them interested in him and receive their attention. To maximise positive interaction and minimise tension and arguing at home, he would turn himself inside out for his parents if necessary.
He emerged into adulthood totally unprepared for the challenges involved in creating fulfilling adult relationships. Feeling totally out of his depth in the adult world, he resorted to the only strategies of relating he knew, those he had employed to navigate his way within his parental relationships, and through the years steadfastly employed these patterns.
While this approach caused many problems for him in his everyday dealings with people, it particularly caused major problems within his intimate relationships throughout his life. He always related to his partner in whatever way he thought she wanted him to be, in ways designed to impress and keep his partner, without him ever really having a sense of being his own person.
His partner, however, wanted to have a real person to relate to. The emotional gulf between him and a succession of partners was never bridged. Consequently, his relationships always ended within a few years, always with the same inherent patterns, conflicts and unmet needs.
As this new year begins, why not reflect on your own long-standing patterns of relating. Consider taking action on these patterns, changing them gradually over time, towards a more balanced way of relating, both to others and to yourself.
• Terry Lynch is a psychotherapist and GP in Limerick