MEDICAL MATTERS: For the benefit of those readers struggling to return to normality after the Bank Holiday weekend and, indeed, for those lucky enough to be on holidays, this week's column is devoted to the lighter side of medicine.
The following story comes from an Irish doctor now living in Canada:
"In our fourth year as medical students in a large Dublin teaching hospital, we were released onto an unsuspecting public to hone our skills in clinical medicine. Sometimes we'd be tipped off by the admitting intern or senior resident about a patient with such "classical" signs that even we would trip over a few of them.
Acting on one such tip, I met Mr Murphy, a 40-year-old docker who'd been admitted the previous evening with a diagnosis of alcoholic liver disease. He was a pleasant fellow who good-naturedly agreed to talk to me and allow me to examine him.
'Me liver's enlarged, Doctor, and they told me I had to give up the gargle,' he said. He was also an alarming shade of yellow and subsequently proved to be a living textbook of the signs of alcoholic liver disease.
While taking a history of his drinking habits, I was startled to hear him admit to drinking about 25 pints of Guinness a day. Astonished, I blurted out: 'Mr Murphy, I don't think I could drink 25 pints of water a day.' He replied with almost as much astonishment: 'Well jaysus, Doctor, neither could I.'"
Then there was the experience of the geriatrician who points out that specialists in old-age medicine are regularly challenged with a wide variety of issues:
"Most people think that older people are less preoccupied with sexual activities than younger ones. However, a recent encounter with an 87-year-old widower readily dispelled that myth. Mr Johnston proudly presented to the geriatric assessment unit demanding a penile implant. He lived alone, but claimed there were many women in his area who were interested in him.
I conducted a careful history and physical examination to explore the possible cause of impotence and review his surgical risk.
Mr Johnston anxiously enquired: 'So Doc, can I get my penile implant?' 'Well, let's first review the risks,' I responded cautiously. 'Oh, don't worry about the risks,' he replied. 'I always use a condom.'"
In the 18th century, Richard Sheridan introduced a memorable character in one of his plays, named Mrs Malaprop. Her principal characteristic was to regularly find not just the wrong word, but one with unintended humorous consequences.
Medicine, with its perchant for obscure names and eponymous titles, is fertile ground for malapropisms.
One patient, who had been invited to record her blood pressure at home, presented her doctor with a set of readings which averaged 170/75. "My systolics are a bit high but my diabolics are fine," she told her GP with a flourish.
Or how about the lady who complained that her "very close veins" were bothering her?
Long hours have always been a feature of medical life, so there will be some envy of Dr R M Sandersai of Kareganur, India, who received a 19-year holiday from work.
According to a report from an employment tribunal, Dr Sandersai stayed at home from 1970 to 1989 because "he was not given any posting and it was the government's fault he was absent for so long".
After two years of such leave, from 1970 to 1972, he waited in vain for another posting. The tribunal ruled that the 1970-72 period was unpaid leave, but as Dr Sandersai spent the following 17 years on a "waiting-for-a-posting" status, it ordered payment of back salary and retirement benefits. The health authorities accepted blame for the doctor's unauthorised absence and paid up. Is this a warning to the Department of Health, now that implementation of the European Working Time Directive has been postponed?
And now to more examples of gems from patients' hospital charts. Starting with the following, concerning a patient who was not doing so well: "Do not resuscitate (DNR) - discussed with wife." The next day this was altered to: "Cancel DNR - discussed with patient!"
"Nurse changed and repositioned frequently."
"Both the patients and his nurse have reported flatus."
"Patient came out to nursing station talking to self with smile on face. Patient passed large flatus and returned to bed."
"Patient called his nurse to room and states: 'My heart has stopped'.
"Patient eating and drinking well. Trays appear to be well-eaten."
"Lethargic wife assisted him with shower."
Ultrasound report on a male patient: "The uterus is normal."
"Up in wheelchair with girlfriend."
"I will leave the care of this lady's breasts in your hands."
"Osteoarthritis in her hands limited her ability to walk."
If you have any funny medical stories to share with readers in a future humorous column, please send them to the email address below.
• Muiris Houston is pleased to hear from readers at mhouston@irish-times.ie but regrets he cannot answer individual queries