As more young families move abroad, grandparents strive to stay connected, writes SHEILA WAYMAN
ALAN AND Caroline Foster sometimes wonder why they are still living in Co Wicklow when all their grandchildren are living abroad.
“It is very difficult,” says Alan. “I am in my 70s and my wife is in her late 60s. We talk about selling up and going but I don’t think it is really a possibility.”
While Alan has been retired for 15 years, the couple have busy lives looking after their house and large garden in Kilquade. “Our friends are important to us,” says Caroline.
They have two sons and three grandchildren in New Zealand; their only daughter, Lydia, lives in Spain and is expecting her first child in December, while their other son, Duncan, lives in Carlingford, Co Louth, and does not have any children.
“We gave them wings to fly but we didn’t expect them to fly so far,” says Alan.
“It is what they chose to do and you have to go along with that,” says Caroline. So she and Alan try to visit them when they can.
Their youngest son, Glynn, left Ireland in 2003 and is married to a New Zealander, Jayne. They have one child, Isla (two), with another baby due in February. The other son in New Zealand, Tim, and his wife, Barbara Wilson from Co Antrim, had been living in Raheny, Dublin, and they left for Wellington in 2010 with Ella and Calum, now aged six and four.
“We got out three times in the last four years so that is not too bad,” says Alan. “But we have no plans to go out in 2013, possibly in 2014 . . .
“Unless we win the Lotto,” says Caroline.
Free travel within Ireland may be a very welcome perk for pensioners but it is subsidised airfares that long-distance grandparents like the Fosters need. Emigration of young families is one of the features of this current recession, with the older generation left behind trying to maintain a connection with their beloved grandchildren through Skype, the phone, the post and the occasional visit.
Every time the Fosters go to New Zealand, combined with a stop in Australia where Caroline’s sister lives, they need to budget for about €8,000 to €10,000, for a four- to six-week trip.
Ella remembered them all right when they first went out and they keep the relationship going mainly through Skype.
“I am not an indulgent granny,” says Caroline, “but I like to send out something small occasionally. Barbara is very good in that she will tell me what the children are interested in. And she occasionally sends me an envelope of the children’s drawings, which I have up in the kitchen so I see them every day.”
At least Spain is a lot cheaper to get to and the Fosters are going there next month and hope to go out again after Christmas to see the baby.
The countdown to Christmas family reunions is on in many homes a hemisphere apart, including those of Mary Foran O’Halloran in Co Kerry and her eldest child in Australia. Mary found it very hard when Jenny emigrated to Perth last January with her partner David Boyle and their two children, Matthew (seven) and Luke (four) – Mary’s only grandchildren.
“I miss them a fright,” she says. Jenny (29) had never actually lived away from the family home in Ballyheigue outside Tralee. She studied accountancy in the town and then she and David rented out a house they had bought there – to help pay the mortgage when his work as a mechanic started drying up – and moved into a chalet in her parents’ back yard.
Mary, a mother of five children ranging from Jenny down to nine-year-old Jimmy, was worried about how her grandsons, “country kids”, would take to their new life, especially Matthew who had been very close to Jimmy. But from her daily phone calls, Mary knows that the children have settled well and Matthew, who chats away on the phone to her and Skypes with Jimmy, is enjoying school.
“I know myself they did the right thing and that’s what makes it easier,” says Mary. “There would not have been anything here for them if they had stayed.”
Several other young families in the area have headed out to Perth, she explains, so Jenny is happy to have some friends from home.
“They have a brilliant lifestyle over there and it is a lot healthier. I can’t see them coming back – at least not for a good long time.”
Mary, Jimmy and another son, Richard (18), have flights booked for a three-week trip to Perth this Christmas, but her husband is not going because he can’t stand the heat.
Andrew and Angela Logue know that their son, Jonathan, and his wife, Clodagh, made the right decision to move their family to Sydney a year ago when she was offered the post of group HR manager for Microsoft in Australia. But they miss seeing the developmental stages of their three grandchildren, ranging in age from seven to 1½, whose company they enjoyed most weekends when they were living near them in south Co Dublin.
“You can’t hug a child on Skype,” remarks Andrew. The time difference and the fact that Jonathan and Clodagh have very busy lives can make finding a good time to talk difficult.
Andrew, who used to work with the children’s charity Barnardos, is very impressed with his grandson’s school. By logging on to the extensive website of Roseville Public School, he gets a better idea of what life in Sydney is like for the oldest boy, Matthew.
The Logues hope to get out to Australia at some stage; meanwhile they can see their other two grandchildren, who live in Wimbledon, London, rather more often.
Margaret and Denis Woods have a late Friday evening ritual when they turn on Skype in their Sandycove home in Co Dublin to watch their only grandchildren, Claire (four) and Holly (two), having breakfast on what is Saturday morning for them in Melbourne.
“I really look forward to Friday evenings and almost resent it if somebody asks us out on Friday,” says Margaret with a laugh. They usually spend between 11pm and midnight in the company, so to speak, of their daughter Katherine, her husband Ngamoana Parata from New Zealand, and the two children.
“A lot of it is watching. While it is fantastic to see them every week, they are only little ones and don’t fully understand the camera is on top of the computer. If Claire is holding up a drawing she has done we can’t necessarily see it, and they don’t sit down and talk to us so we can hear clearly.”
However, the good thing about Skype, Margaret points out, is that small children are more inclined to talk on it than the phone, because they can see somebody on the other end. Claire can get frustrated if her grandparents can’t hear her properly, as the sound quality tends to come and go.
Margaret and Denis spent last Christmas in Melbourne, where the younger of their two children, David, also lives, and they will do the same this year. In the meantime, the separation would be much harder to bear without Skype.
They love being able to see their grandchildren’s development week by week and “to reinforce our faces and voices for them as well”. It has totally changed communication between emigrants and their families.
“We are with them in real time,” says Margaret. “If somebody has fallen over and bumped their knee, we can see the scratch.”
For all the young families moving abroad, some do come back. After seven years away, Jen and John Martin returned to Dublin last month with their two Australian-born children, Finn (four) and 16-month-old Oisín.
Finn has craved extended family for a long time, says Jen. He was acutely aware of his friends in Melbourne having grandparents and cousins around, while he didn’t. “I remember when he was about 2½ going into his bedroom with him and he just burst into tears. I said, ‘what’s wrong?’ And he said, ‘I want a grandmother who comes to the house’.” Regular Skyping and lots of packages in the post from the four grandparents back in Ireland really wasn’t the same.
When the Martins came home for a holiday earlier in the year, John, an insurance project manager, applied for a job here and got it. And with Jen’s employer keen to retain her by working both remotely and in its Irish office, the Martins are delighted with how it has all worked out.
Jen was concerned Oisín might make strange with the grandparents, but she needn’t have worried. Needless to say Finn is delighted to have them around and, adds Jen, “is being spoiled rotten”.
‘WE NEVER LET TWO MONTHS GO BY WITHOUT SEEING THEM’
When Hilary Finlay became a granny three years ago, she was determined that she and her husband, Seán, would not be strangers in their grandchilden’s lives – despite living in different countries.
“I made it my business to establish a relationship,” she says. “We never let two months go by without seeing them.”
The Finlays’ eldest daughter, Emer, married Lionel Pernet from Lausanne in Switzerland, and while their first child, Pénélope, was born in Paris, the family then moved to Montpellier where he is director of the archaeological museum. Their second child, Rory, arrived 15 months ago.
Hilary, who retired from running the Blue Book, an association for country houses and historic hotels, and then threw herself into studying for a degree in art history and film studies at UCD, tries to work her year around the grandchildren.
“I think planning is the key thing. You have to look at flights – and make your peace with Ryanair. The fact it goes to obscure airports is helpful. Carcassonne suits us best.
“We try to belt out for a weekend when we can and pick up a hire car at the airport because that is cheaper than the train.”
They were out in France at the beginning of this year, then Emer and the children were back in Dublin for a week at the end of February and again in May, when Hilary returned with them to France after her exams.
The children had all four grandparents doting on them during a three-generation holiday in July, when Lionel’s parents invited the Finlays out to Turkey where they have a house.
The other granny, Danielle Pernet, “is as hands on as I am”, says Hilary. “We got on great. I could say it is a competition but it’s not.”
In between visits, the Finlays Skype every week and talk on the phone a couple of times a week too.
“We have only had one issue on Skype, when I started showing and reading Pénélope a book and she couldn’t handle that because she could not get at the book. She got really, really cross about it and I got a fright. Now I just talk and say ‘show me your dress’, ‘show me your twirl’ . . .”
As for her little brother, “we usually see down Rory’s throat because he’s trying to kiss you”.
Emer and the children were in Dublin for the first two weeks of August and, as we talk, Hilary and Seán are readying themselves for a weekend of hands-on grandparenting as Emer heads off to take part in a triathlon in Kenmare, Co Kerry.
They used to have a large country house outside Navan, Co Meath, but some years ago downsized to an apartment in Stillorgan. Hilary’s brother lives nearby with their mother Nancy (99).
When the grandchildren come to stay you have to remember that, as a grandparent, you are not the parent, says Hilary.
“I had a little bit of difficulty with that. Not doing the correctional stuff but being there for treats and supporting and never, ever crossing Emer and contradicting her.”
For days after they leave, she finds toys around the apartment and gets very nostalgic. She keeps little videos of the children on her iPhone to watch. “It is like getting a fix.”
FROM ONE GRANDPARENT TO ANOTHER . . .
While distance can be a huge obstacle to maintaining the grandparent-grandchild relationship, separation or divorce can make it even more difficult.
“Grandparents are the hidden victims of divorce, particularly if your son has children,” says the founder of the Catholic Grandparents’ Association, Catherine Wiley, a grandmother of 10 who divides her time between Westport, Co Mayo and Walsingham in England.
Here are some of her tips for bridging the divide, be it distance or divorce:
Keep in touch by phone, text, webcam, email or letter – any way you possibly can.
Be consistent about Skype or phone calls, so the children know that they will hear from their grandparents at a fixed time each week.
Even if you talk regularly, also send letters or cards – something they can hold in their hand – and always enclose a bit of money.
Buy low-cost items that can be posted out in small parcels, which are exciting for children to receive.
If you do get to visit them, try to drop into their school so you will have a better understanding of their lives and more to talk about with them in the future.
Make sure they have photographs of you and your home, to help them visualise you and your lives too.
Keep them up to date with news of other members of the extended family.
The annual grandparents’ pilgrimage to Knock, Co Mayo, will be held on September 9th. For more information see catholicgrandparents
