MIND MOVES:The process of grieving involves a range of experiences and emotions, writes Terry Lynch
EACH OF US will experience significant loss in our life at some stage. We tend to equate bereave- ment and grief with death.
There are other losses too which can impact greatly on us, triggering considerable grief. This is true of any loss which results in the ending of something we greatly value, which is inextricably linked with our sense of meaning, purpose, belonging, value, love, identity, self, safety, certainty.
Examples include the ending of a long-term relationship; retirement; loss of health, employment, freedom, financial security; the empty nest; the death of a beloved pet; the collapse of a business we had spent years developing. We need to be mindful of the significance of such developments in our lives and the lives of others.
Traditionally, we attend funerals and removals in large numbers, offering sincerely felt condolences to the bereaved at the time of the person's loss.
This is important and much appreciated. Many people report that, in the weeks and months following the bereavement, people around them seem to be moving on with their lives. Visits and contact from others often slows to a halt.
When others in the community first hear of the death, they are naturally taken by surprise by the news. In the days and first few weeks after the death, the whole community may be in shock. As the weeks progress, the community adapts to the new reality. The duration of the shock and grief parallels how much the person meant to us. Those most bereaved may only be at the early stages of their grieving at the time when the community has already, to a large degree, moved on.
I was reminded of this recently by the experience of a man in his 30s. He is experiencing a major grief reaction in response to the death of a loved one. It is approaching a year since the death.
His local community has now grown accustomed to the new reality without the deceased person. This man, however, is still in the throes of his grief reaction. A very popular and genuine person, he has good friends and family support.
Yet, he often flicks through his list of mobile phone contact numbers, identifying few people he can call when he is distressed. Not many people understand why he could still be so upset.
As many people are uncomfortable when others express deep grief, pain and tears in front of them, he has felt on numerous occasions that even his good friends are not able to witness his distress.
This is especially true of men. Many men have internalised the mantra that big boys don't cry. Many of their male friends, similarly conditioned out of their own feelings and uncomfortable with the expression of feelings especially by other men, may find it difficult to hear such expressions of emotion.
Conditioned to be fixers, with the exception of anger which is deemed to be a permissible male emotion, many men feel helpless in the presence of powerful emotions. They feel very uncomfortable, desperately needing the expression of emotion to stop.
Following a bereavement, many - children included - are implicitly or explicitly encouraged to "be strong", which when translated means "don't show emotion".
Onlookers speak approvingly of how "strong" one griever was and how "in bits" others were, because they were showing their emotions. While one cannot always generalise, those strongly expressing emotions in the aftermath of death have already commenced the first steps of their grieving process.
The worry about those who are "strong" is that they may not commence theirs, particularly since they frequently receive approval for their apparent strength.
Each person's experience of grief is unique to them. The grieving process can typically take 15-18 months, sometimes longer depending on the particular circumstances and the depth of the relationships involved.
Major losses which do not fall into what we expect to be the natural order of things can be particularly painful, including death by suicide and the death of a child.
"Firsts" without the loved one are particularly painful; first birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and many other less obvious but poignant firsts such as family events. Even everyday matters such as paying bills and organising day-to-day life can heighten the pain of absence.
Grieving is like a tunnel. In order to come out the other side, you must first enter the process. The process of grieving involves a maelstrom of experiences and emotions including shock, numbness, denial, withdrawal from everyday contacts and routines.
We may become angry with the person for leaving us, angry with ourselves, others, the world and God for not doing enough to prevent it. We then may begin to bargain with ourselves, God, the world, committing to take certain actions in return for an easing of the pain.
We may experience guilt, sadness and depression, believing there is little point in trying any more since our world as we knew it has collapsed.
Most of us, given time, reach acceptance, a more peaceful integration within us of the loss, ready to begin the process of getting on with life, albeit a changed life.
Terry Lynch is a Limerick- based GP and author of Beyond Prozac