MEDICAL MATTERS Dr Muiris Houston: By popular demand, this week's column is again devoted to humorous stories from the world of medicine. I hope this helps to ease you back into your routine after the bank holiday weekend.
The following story is about an eminent Australian consultant who exhibited many of the characteristics of Sir Lancelot Spratt, the haughty and superior surgeon from Richard Gordon's Doctor series of books and films.
One day he said to his surgical registrar: "I have a patient coming to the ward at 3 o'clock. I've removed a cancer from his bowel and I think it has regrown. I want to re-examine him."
At 3 o'clock on the dot a man appeared at the door of the ward and the surgeon appeared from the other end of the ward, saying "there he is"! So the two residents, six students, two ward sisters and several nurses descended on him.
"Get up on the couch, slip your trousers down, lie on your side and bend your knees up," barked the surgeon. The patient duly complied.
Donning a glove the surgeon performed a rectal examination and turned to his registrar saying; "strange... I can't feel anything abnormal, Here, you have a go." The registrar did as he was told but could find nothing abnormal either.
Leaning over the prone patient, the surgeon said to him, "Who are you?" To which the unfortunate replied, "I was trying to find the kiosk to buy a packet of cigarettes!"
The registrar ushered the sniggering students out and left the eminent surgeon to explain....
Thank you to the reader who told us about the very overweight gentleman who went to his GP for a check-up.
"OK," said the GP. "Strip off then and we'll have a look at you." The gentleman does so and his enormous belly hangs down in all its splendour. "Good Lord, man, you'd want to diet," said the doctor. "Oh, my God", cried the man. "Why, what colour is it now?"
Or how about these pearls of wisdom from a Dublin reader:
I'm thinking of joining Paranoids Anonymous... but they won't tell me where they meet.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for health reasons as my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my tracksuit bottoms on fire.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with the pill and now she has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care!
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast... Are they kidding? That sounds like my idea of a perfect day!
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolates can make a woman five pounds heavier.
And thanks to the female reader who suggested the following hedonistic motto: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly worn out and screaming 'Woo hoo - what a ride!'
Some medical chart entries which make perfect sense at the time of writing, provoke great mirth when read at a later stage:
On the second day the knee was better. And on the third it disappeared completely.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last three days.
While in casualty, the patient was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. and finally... the patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead!
And then there was the story of an Irish doctor who trained to be a veterinary surgeon before studying medicine. Naturally, he used his veterinary qualification to earn some money to bolster his meagre salary as a junior hospital officer. So, he regularly did stints on a Friday night as the vet in the local greyhound track.
Meanwhile, in his medical life, he was attached to the accident and emergency department of the hospital. One weekend, he noticed one of the dog handlers from the track waiting in the minor injuries queue. "Come on, Jimmy, I'll sort you out," he said, bringing the dog handler over to his desk. "Well, what's wrong with you?" Jimmy just stared at him but said nothing. Bringing him over to a nearby cubicle, he pulled around the curtain and said, "Jimmy, for God's sake, what's the matter with you?" "Jeez, you're never going to get away with this if they find out you're really a vet!" Jimmy replied.
Definitely a case of medicine going to the dogs!
Muiris Houston is pleased to hear from readers at mhouston@irish-times.ie but regrets he cannot answer individual queries.
If you have a humorous medical story you would like to share with readers in a future column, please send it to mhouston@irish-times.ie