MY HEALTH EXPERIENCE: There is huge anger associated with post-natal depression, writes MADGE FOGARTY
AFTER SHANE’S birth, I left hospital full of the joys. I was probably on a bit of a high. Most women, after they give birth, are a bit elated. But six weeks later, I came crashing down. That was the day of Shane’s christening.
I had my first night of not sleeping. My mind was racing and all sorts of negative thoughts were going around in my head. That continued for a while. I was totally exhausted. One morning, I was lying in bed. The sun was shining in through the window, but I felt as if I was in a black hole. I was afraid to get out of bed. Even putting my feet on the ground was a major ordeal. I was terrified of the day ahead, finding more and more things to worry about. Things I’d do before without thinking suddenly became major issues. I was very negative about myself. I felt I was useless and no good as a mum.
I was lucky in that I could compare how I felt with the way I had been with my first child, Tomás. I knew what I was going through wasn’t normal. I knew nothing about post-natal depression because it wasn’t talked about in my day 20 years ago. I just assumed I had it. All I wanted to do was hide under the duvet. As well as being exhausted, I lost interest in food. I was anxious all the time. I couldn’t shake off the anxiety and there were tension pains in my back and my shoulders. I remember my first panic attack. I felt out of control and my heart was racing. A panic attack lasts for only a few seconds but when you’re going through it, it seems like an eternity.
“I had bonded with Shane, but I used to dread the mornings when he’d cry and I’d have to get up and function. The amount of energy it took to do things like feeding him and Tomás was incredible. I was also afraid that the baby would pick up on my negativity. It’s awful to feel you’re having a bad effect on the baby.
I went to my GP fairly quickly and was put on anti-depressants. They don’t work overnight and they only take the edge off the depression. There is no magic wand, unfortunately. Postnatal depression eventually wears you down. I couldn’t see any end in sight. Like all depressions, post-natal depression is very much an up-and-down illness. I remember the first day I felt well. I rang everybody because I thought I was better. But after two days, I went back down again.
It’s very hard on a couple. No matter how hard men try to understand what you’re going through, they don’t get it. It put a huge strain on my marriage but we got counselling. Many families only have one child as a result of the woman going through post-natal depression. It stopped us from having any more children.
In the end, I was put on lithium which is a kind of mood stabiliser. The only side effect was weight gain. My psychiatrist never really talked to me about my feelings and how I was coping. I had a lot of issues. I was angry about the illness, about how I was treated and the lack of support.
My pregnancy had been fantastic and I had looked forward to having another baby. But from the time a drip was put into my body to induce me, it was horrendous. I advanced very quickly. I was in incredible pain and completely out of control. It was too late for an epidural. I remember telling the midwife that I thought I was going to die.
After Shane was born, he was taken away from me for eight hours without any explanation. He was probably put in an incubator because his body temperature would have dropped dramatically over being born so quickly. In my head, I was convinced something was wrong. Thank God, Shane was fine.
It took me nearly two years to go back and try to find out what happened. But I was told my file was lost. The bad birth experience could have been the start of the post-natal depression. I was also isolated at home. If someone had sat me down and talked me through how my labour had gone, it might have helped.
There is huge anger associated with post-natal depression and you take it out on those closest to you. Tomás was the most placid child, but if he looked at me sideways, I used to be down on him like a ton of bricks. Shane became very attached to me. When I wasn’t feeling well, I used to hand him to my husband because I didn’t want him to pick up the bad vibes from me.
It was a year and a half before I was fully back to myself. It was very gradual. I’d encourage women with this illness to keep a diary, so that they can see when things start to improve. I noticed that I was able to start making decisions for myself again. There is all the ante-natal support but when the baby is born, you get only one visit from a public health nurse which, in this day and age, is appalling.
Madge Fogarty is the co-author of Recovering from Postnatal Depression, published by the Ashville Media Group. All proceeds from the book go to Postnatal Depression Ireland, pnd.ie.
In conversation with Colette Sheridan
Post Natal depression; What is it?
The exact cause of post-natal depression (PND) is not fully known but it can be related to a birth experience that failed to match expectations. It has been suggested that some women are particularly vulnerable to the drop in sex hormones following birth.
Research into biological factors is still under way. A previous experience of depression can be a significant factor in the development of PND. Popular images of motherhood suggest that mothers should be radiant and energetic. The reality is often a lack of knowledge about motherhood that can lead to overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
At least 60 per cent of mothers struggle significantly in the first six months after having a baby, while about 11 per cent of women become depressed after the birth of their child.
In 2-3 per cent of women, the depression is severe and can have serious consequences for the mother, her relationship with her baby and other family members unless it is treated.
