The Bigger Picture:It is that time of year again. Pink and red have taken over the landscape. Cards, treats and poems are being prepared, writes Shalini Sinha.
And expectations are high for romance. While, for me, the day is largely irrelevant as a "festival", I am delighted with the excuse to focus my mind on my favourite subject: love.
Let's face it, no matter how broadly I suggest we think about love and commitment, on Valentine's Day most people are thinking about love only in terms of finding a mate. And, top of the list when embarking on this quest, is the issue of attractiveness. And yet, it is one we are very misinformed and confused about.
Certainly one of the truths we believe in this culture is that you must be attractive to attract a mate (or at least most of us will concede that we need our mate to be attractive to us). In fact, this feature of sexual relationships - attraction - is regarded as so important that we begin and end relationships on the strength of it. However, what do we really know about this characteristic of love and relationships? What makes a human being attractive? Is it their height, hair or eye colouring, weight or physical build? Or is there something more to it?
What are you attracted to? Many of us will note having a fondness, particular appreciation, or sense of safety for some features over others, but is that all there is to it? I know countless stories of people falling madly in love with someone who wasn't originally "their type".
What's underneath the issue of sexual attractiveness for us?
One thing I know is that human beings are not naturally superficial. It is only when we get frightened and shut down that our intelligence becomes more shallow. This makes us reactive and rigid. We get fixated on little things that don't really matter, and we make life decisions motivated by seeking security and avoiding our fears.
Not only do we become shallow in our thinking, but we become shallow in our expectations and our expression of our self. The shape and direction of our life reflects this. As such, this is the message we put out and this is what we attract: something that is already limited inside itself and will ordinarily act within those limits.
Love that is limited, however, is not profound. This kind of love never brings freedom. If, at some point, we decide we want more, we will have to break those limits within us. Only then will it be possible for love to grow deeply, in all its dimensions.
Rest assured, it is possible for our relationships to grow beyond the boundaries from which they first began. This is true because, ultimately, human beings have limitless potential within us to connect.
The truth is that human intelligence runs deep. Our imagination is vast. Love is limitless. In line with our nature, attractiveness is profound. It is, in itself, natural. We are born attractive. This is not simply limited to our exterior (although it absolutely includes it), but includes the whole of our beings.
And so, to be attractive, we must free ourselves from within and let this radiate for the world to see.
The other secret about attraction is that it is not a static thing. Attraction, like love and empowerment, is dynamic. It grows and changes. A good tip to remember, however, is that it also fluctuates whenever deeper struggles surface within us.
When a long-term relationship goes wrong, many people will say that first the trust went, then the respect. Then, slowly, they stopped feeling love for the person. "We've drifted apart". "I've fallen out of love". What really happened was that a struggle presented itself, one or both parties got stuck in it, and the attraction vanished.
Given that we are all naturally attractive, it is possible to be attracted to anyone. Although, as adults, we've each picked up struggles that show up on us and make us less attractive to some, all our struggles can be overcome.
The more limits we shake off, the more attractive we become, and to more people. Given this, it certainly makes sense that we could recover a sense of attraction to someone we were previously attracted to but with whom we got hurt.
When this becomes clear, it becomes sad to think that long-term, committed relationships have ended because the attraction went, and no one believed it could return. Indeed, our relationships end because we hit struggles and never emerge from them. Not only does our love never reach its full potential, but our life becomes limited also.
Pushing past our limits takes effort. It is one of the most difficult things we can do. Whatever feelings have put us into a box will need to be felt and overcome on our way out of the box.
Although most people think love should be easy, the fact is that love is powerful only when you are free within yourself. When either partner is stuck, everything is hard.
Coming through hurt, reaching for love and connection is the most worthwhile thing we can do in the world. This is what takes us beyond what is average, to another level of freedom, joy and power.
Shalini Sinha is a life coach and practises the Bowen technique in her clinic, Forward Movement.