ASK THE EXPERT:At what age should we allow our teenage daughter go to the local disco,? asks David Coleman
MY DAUGHTER is just 14 and has been asking to go to a local disco since the beginning of September. Two of her friends are allowed by their parents to go to the disco but I still feel that my daughter is too young to let her go.
Even though the disco is targeted at the under 16s and has a no-alcohol policy I still worry about what she might be exposed to. You hear so many stories about children drinking and taking drugs as young as 12. However, because her two friends are going she is demanding to go and it is causing rows in our house every two weeks.
I am almost tempted to let her go just to avoid the stress of the fights. However, her dad goes absolutely nuts at the thought of her going out and he insists I keep her home but, then, he is never the one who has to bear the brunt of her bad mood.
Are we being over-protective? Do you think we should let her go or is it still too risky at her age?
I HONESTLY don't know. There are too many unknown factors, from my perspective, that I feel should be known before I could make a decision. Ultimately, what really matters is how much you and her dad are in agreement (or not) about whether she should go and what your reasons are.
Yes, of course there are risks for a 14-year-old girl going out unsupervised to a disco. However, there are also benefits to your daughter, socially and developmentally, from going out with her friends. So here are some questions that point to some of those factors that I think you and she should consider in taking your decision.
Firstly, how much do you and her dad agree about the real dangers you fear? Are you more concerned about drinking, drug-taking or, one you haven't mentioned, sex? How able are you to discuss those fears with each other and with your daughter?
How mature and responsible is your daughter? Does she act in a confident and assured manner with her peers? How open is she to discussing things with you? Is she likely to tell you if something bothers her?
How willing are you to be reassured by her commitments to you in regard to her behaviour in relation to drink, drugs or sex?
Next, I'd suggest you gather as much information as you can about the disco. Try to find out who organises it. Check how well supervised it is within the venue and what, if any, supervision is available in the immediate external environs.
What is the organisers' policy on admitting teenagers where there is a suspicion that those teenagers have been drinking or may be high on other substances? What are the policies regarding sexual behaviour and things like fighting?
Bear in mind that there is a limit to how much, even diligent, adult supervision might pick up or be able to prevent occurring.
Finally, what is your daughter's relationship like with the two friends she would expect to go with? Are they likely to be a positive or negative influence on her with regard to risk-taking? What are their parents' experiences of their daughters' attendance at the disco? Why are other friends not allowed to go?
Sooner or later you and her dad need to be able to let her take increasing responsibility for her behaviour and that includes letting her go to discos. Developmentally, it is important for her to be trusted by you, even if she makes a mess of that trust on occasion.
Developmentally, she needs to have private space and time away from you to socialise with her peers. She also needs to practise mixing with, negotiating with and being self-assured with boys.
Discos provide all those things as well as being good fun. Alcohol, drugs and sexual experiences are available to lots of youngsters, irrespective of whether they go to the local disco. We are right to be protective of our children and teenagers but we need to recognise that there are limits to how much we can achieve this.
So the key for you and your daughter is that she is clear about your expectations of her and that she also holds certain personal expectations of herself. The more collaborative you are in negotiating any attendance at the disco with her, the greater the likelihood that she will work with you and stick by her agreements.
If you still feel, on the basis of the information you gather about the disco, others' experiences of it and what you know about your daughter, that it is not yet the time for her, then of course you are right to say "no" to her. However, if you just keep saying "no" without a good discussion of your rationale then you may just increase her hostility towards you and reduce the likelihood of successfully negotiating other issues in the future.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Play and broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website davidcoleman.ie
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irish-times.ie