That's men for you - Padraig O'Morain's guide to men's health:Some years ago I met a group of people with physical disabilities and, in the course of conversation, I asked if all of them had been born with their disabilities.
All had except one, a woman who had been so badly beaten by her husband that he had left her disabled for life and unable, ever again, to live independently.
I thought of her when I read, in a new report from the Women's Health Council (www.whc.ie), that in Europe more women die or are seriously injured every year through domestic violence than through cancer or road accidents.
The report acknowledges that men suffer violence at the hands of women - but all the evidence, I'm afraid, suggests that men carry out most of the violence that occurs between the genders.
What's going on with men who are violent towards their female partners? A few, I suspect, don't know any better. It's what they grew up with. Most people who see violence at home avoid repeating it in their own relation- ships later on. Some, however, may think it's the thing to do.
Others, though, seem to have a pathological need to control their partners. Everything: what she wears, who she sees, how much make-up she puts on, who she talks to at work, who she telephones, when and how she does housework, has to be controlled in detail.
I suspect that behind this pathological need for control is a dread of losing the other person, a certainty that she will leave unless she is put on the very tightest of reins. The irony, of course, is that these control freaks generally end up losing their partners anyhow - by holding on to them so oppressively they drive them away.
Women who are violent and abusive to their male partners may have similar motivations. A new book, That Bitch - protect yourself against women with malicious intent(www.thatbitch book.com) written by Mary T Cleary, founder of Amen, and journalist Roy Sheppard, describes instance after instance of such behaviour.
I don't like the title, which was chosen to shock, because I think it creates an unnecessary barrier between men and women on this issue. That said, the book does a good job of highlighting one big problem concerning violence by women towards men. This is the reluctance of men to speak out because they have a realistic fear of not being believed or of being sneered at.
An interesting campaign to bring together both of these aspects of domestic violence - men as perpetrators and men as victims - has been launched in the UK. The No slap, Just tickle campaign (www.noslapjusttickle. com) aims to help men speak out against, and overcome, domestic violence, whether they are victims, perpetrators or bystanders.
The inclusion of perpetrators may seem odd but many violent men go through periods of remorse and this is something that can be built on by a campaign like this.
The campaign urges men who perpetrate violence to have the courage to seek help and to understand that domestic violence is never acceptable. There are programmes to help such men, run by MOVE Ireland (www.moveirel and.ie) in 10 locations around the State. Contact numbers are on the website.
The No slap, Just tickle campaign encourages men who are victims of domestic violence to "have the courage to seek help - even if you have the impression that it will make matters worse. As a man you are no different to the countless women who have spoken out about domestic violence and freed themselves from it." Amen (www.amen.ie) can be a helpful resource.
And the campaign encourages men who are aware of situations of domestic violence to "urge the person in question to seek help - whether as a victim or as a perpetrator".
Domestic violence is a choice. The men and women who perpetrate it do not, for example, have uncontrollable urges to beat up their bosses at work. Therefore if they beat up or torment one person and not another, they are exercising a choice. That is a fact we need to bear in mind at all times.