MEDICAL MATTERS Dr Muiris HoustonI hope this Tuesday finds you in good form and suitably refreshed after the Easter weekend. In deference to the inevitable post bank holiday feeling of mild lethargy, I think a column on medical humour and anecdotes is just what the doctor ordered.
Here's a tale, allegedly true, from the frontline of medicine:
A lady from Dublin's inner city, who is a little hard of hearing attends her doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor takes a full medical history and sets about examining her. Taking his stethoscope he listens to her heart and sounds her back and chest. After much deliberation the doctor decides on his diagnosis. "Angina", he says, But the good lady does not reply and continues to stare into the distance with a far-away look in her eyes. Thinking that she does not concur with his diagnosis, he examines her chest again. This time he is in no doubt and he shouts a little louder. "Angina, Mrs O Brien." "Angina?", replies Mrs O Brien, "Sure, doctor, I'm luvin' it!"
I have written previously of classic howlers from medical charts. Here are some more, courtesy of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law newsletter.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room!
Or how about: The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
While in the ER, she was examined , X-rated and sent home.
Her skin was moist and dry.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I though you might like to work her up.
The laboratory test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
One can only speculate what was going on in the mind of the medic responsible for the last offering.
From the same source comes the following definitions for common medical terms:
Cauterize: made eye contact with her.
Fibula: a small lie.
Nitrates: cheaper than day rates.
Rectum: damned near killed him.
The following jokes were definitely thought up by GPs and are offered with an advance apology to my consultant colleagues.
What's the difference between a GP and a specialist? A GP treats what you have while a specialist thinks you have what he treats.
What's the difference between God and a consultant? God doesn't think he's a consultant.
And, a fashionable surgeon is like a pelican; he can be recognised by the size of his bill.
Or, A psychiatrist is a man who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for free.
One of my favourites has to be the following offering: A small number of bogus practitioners are known to inhabit the Harley Street area in London. One of these used to specialise in giving patients injections which were supposed to make them look young again. One day a rich woman said to the doctor "Can you prove to me that these injections really work?" "Sure," replies the quack, "all you have to do is look at me. I could pass for 50, couldn't I? But I'm really 145 years old." On the way out, the woman stopped to talk to the glamorous young nurse who was sitting at the reception desk.
"Honey, is the doctor really 145 years old?" "I couldn't say, madam", replied the nurse. "I've only been working her for 60 years."
Now for some definitions:
An epidemiologist is a doctor broken down by age and sex.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
Physicians are rather like undescended testicles; they are difficult to locate and when you do find them they are pretty ineffective.
A Physician is someone who knows everything but does nothing.
A surgeon is someone who does everything and knows nothing.
A psychiatrist is someone who knows nothing and does nothing.
A pathologists is someone who knows everything but finds out too late.
And with the current trend for doctors seeking alternative careers I'll leave you with this one.
A doctor called out a plumber to fix a leaking tap in his consulting room. The plumber took less than five minutes to complete the job and then gave the medic a bill for €100.
The physician said: "You're charging me €100 for five minutes work? That's €1,200 an hour. Listen, I'm a doctor and I don't get €1,200 an hour."
"No," said the plumber, "neither did I - when I was a doctor."
Dr Muiris Houston is pleased to hear from readers at mhouston@irish-times.ie. He regrets that he cannot answer individual medical queries.