The Bigger Picture:The beginning of the year is a time when so many of us feel we want to make a change. It's something about the passing of time, noticing a whole year has gone and we're still in the same place as before, recognising we're going to be another year older, and believing there's hope to change our current path if we just make a decision.
Well, there is hope. At any point, when we decide, we can change the course of our lives. The future is not inevitable. It is created, step by step. It is the exact sum total of our responses and actions right now in the present.
One of the cliches about January is not only making New Year's resolutions, but failing in them too.
This year, I hope I can help so that this doesn't happen. It only compounds discouragement and disempowerment, and we don't need more of that in our lives.
Rather, my wish would be for each one of us to see ourselves put into action what we truly want in our lives.
The first thing we need to understand is that success isn't a "cosmic fluke" or accident. There are variables that influence whether we succeed at something. The first is always motivation.
Very often, what makes us fail with a resolution is the fact that we didn't decide to want it in the first place.
Many of us choose resolutions we think we should be doing, because it's gone on too long the other way, or we believe it's expected of us. In this way, we haven't really decided if we want it or not.
The reality is that just because someone else wants something for us doesn't mean it makes sense for us. We have a right to make that decision by ourselves.
However, and perhaps more relevantly, just because an outside force wants something for us - even if it's an overbearing, controlling or oppressive authoritative figure - that doesn't mean we can't also choose it for ourselves.
Many of us get defensive - to protect our autonomy, independence and self-esteem - and so rebel against what others want for us in order to prove we are acting on our own will.
That's the last thing we're really doing though. When we choose not to do something simply to be in "disagreement" with a parental or authority figure, we aren't choosing but reacting.
The fact is that even when we feel unheard or intimidated, because a "parent" figure does love and hope for the best for us (regardless of their rigidities and limits), what they want for us usually has some element that is worth considering.
We recover our autonomy and self-esteem not by dismissing them, but by considering if and why we might actually want this, and then demonstrating confidence in our choice as we make it happen.
Determination and commitment cannot be feigned. They show more than anything what our true will is.
All that really matters is confronting whether or not this choice will make us happier, strengthen our confidence and encourage our empowerment.
If it will, regardless of any other opinions, it is our choice to want it.
Another reason why we often don't achieve the changes we want is simply because we expect to feel better before we make the change.
The fact is that every moment we carry on without doing that which strengthens us, makes us feel worse on all kinds of levels.
Just deciding we want change doesn't make that go away (although it might give us an initial lift). Rather, we won't really feel better until we experience the change. It is this "experience of doing" that feels good. It is the process, not the choice.
Finally, we can sometimes underestimate the fact that creating change involves a commitment; and commitment requires effort, time, focus and determination.
It really does take energy to be committed. It's one of the reasons why we need to know we want it, and practically plan the steps that will take us there - slowly and steadily.
It's also why there's a limit to the number of commitments we can take on in any given period of time. Making a commitment is a step in our evolution.
We can start with one change, knowing that consistently making that change, no matter how big or small, reduces stress, increases fulfilment and returns energy. If it doesn't, we may need to reassess whether this truly makes sense in our lives.
The fact is, really doing something differently is not easy. We should never expect it would be.
All that matters is that by doing so, we get to be stronger, broader, brighter and more our true selves.
On that note, it's useful to remember that not everything needs to change.
Rather, some things about us are absolutely perfect already. We get to acknowledge, notice and celebrate them. That is the greatest resource we will ever give ourselves.
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Shalini Sinha practises the Bowen technique in Dublin and Wexford.