Older and wiser or young and energetic; when is the best time to be a first-time mum? Having a baby in your late 30s or early 40s has advantages as well as problems. Sylvia Thompson reports
It has often been said that up to the age of 30, women can cope with pregnancy, work and a frenetic social life; from 30 to 40, she can handle pregnancy plus either work or a hectic social life but not both; and after 40, pregnancy alone is quite enough.
This is, of course, a huge generalisation and there are many mothers who defy such categorisation.
However, while all women suffer from unparalleled levels of tiredness during pregnancy and in the early months at home looking after a new baby, there is no doubt that women in their late 30s and early 40s are likely to feel more exhausted, if not during pregnancy, then at home with a newborn who needs to be cared for 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
"It's the dog tiredness of it all and the inability to think which makes having a baby later in life almost a health hazard," says Sue Jameson, lactation consultant who has a special interest in women having their first baby later in life. "It's a complete shellshock to the system which can become all consuming," she says.
Karen Minihan (40), who is expecting her second child in June, says: "Having Michael [20 months] when I was 38 brought such a change of life and outlook to both myself and my partner.
"In the beginning it was very difficult but you get used to it. [Michael has slept through the night about 10 times in the past 20 months.] When I look at younger mums, they seem to bounce back more quickly and have more energy."
Women who are pregnant with their first child nowadays usually have plenty of information (through antenatal classes, books, websites, etc) on their current state but it is often the unasked-for anecdotes about childbirth that can stick in the mind most.
"Older mothers have fears around birth just like other women but they often have a measure of confidence in their bodies in that they know their own endurance levels and are prepared to build up their stamina. They are often also more likely to take responsibility for their health and their decisions," says Bridget Sheeran, community midwife in west Cork.
However, being well informed about childbirth can lead some older women to opt for birth by Caesarean section rather than leading them towards more natural approaches to childbirth.
"There is a lot of fear mongering around having a baby at an older age which doesn't always stand up to research findings. Many women nowadays are better fed, more financially independent and their risk factors are greatly reduced," Sheeran says, who suggests that birth outcomes for older mothers are more reflective of the choices of care- giver than the mother's age.
"For example, a mother choosing consultant care in a private hospital is more likely to have a surgical or instrumental birth than a mother choosing one-to-one midwifery care whereby a spontaneous birth is more likely," says Sheeran.
But are older mothers more self-conscious, more scared of getting it wrong, more fearful of being judged or are they wiser and more self-confident about becoming mothers?
And are they, after years of independent working lives, more or less selfish than younger mums when it comes to giving time to their babies?
"My priorities have changed enormously. I feel I've had a good run at socialising and I'm more family focused now," says Karen Minihan who lives in Schull, Co Cork.
"I feel it's a luxury to stay at home at the moment although there are days I scream in frustration just to get out of the house. And I sometimes miss the intellectual challenge of my work in community arts.
"I wasn't very maternal [before I had my children] and it is true that some older mothers have a terror of not being a good mother because they have had much more time to think it through," Minihan says.
Lucy Glendinning (42), whose third child is now seven months old, says: "I was so overwhelmed when I had my first child. I had no support and my parents were older."
So convinced of women's need for support when at home with a new baby, Glendinning has since trained as a community mother (an Eastern Regional Health Authority scheme which supports first-time mothers) and is training as a breastfeeding counsellor with the Irish Childbirth Trust.
"Being a first-time mother is something you can never really be prepared for and older mothers have the same kind of problems as all new mothers but sometimes because they think they have everything sorted out with their lives, work and houses, they don't know what to do with themselves when they have a baby.
"Also because they are older, their parents are likely to be older too and less likely to be a support to them. However, that in itself might be a good thing as it cuts out issues around conflicting styles of rearing children," adds Glendinning.
In terms of having it all, some older mothers find it a huge struggle to find childcare they are happy with when the time comes to go back to work.
"You realise when you're an older mother that a child is a great gift so you are very conscious of good childcare," says one mother who had her children in her late 30s.
The quality and cost of the childcare arrangements coupled with the levels of support from partners nearly always become the defining elements when it comes to choosing full-time or part-time work or deciding to stay at home with young children.
"I think I would go mad at home full time, yet I also think that since we had a child late, it is important for one of us to be around a lot of the time," says one mother who had her first baby at 39 and returned to full-time work while her husband took the role of primary care-giver in the family.
"Sometimes, I think, do I want to be at home more? What am I missing? Yet I do get to spend a lot of time with my baby because I am lucky enough to be able to sometimes work around him but this can be hard going and pretty tiring. I hasten to add that I do very little housework and affording help in the home is another advantage of being older," she adds.
When we talk about older mothers, we we're talking about those who had their first babies in their late 30s and early 40s. If you think that's ageist, remember that up to recently any woman over 30 expecting her first baby was medically defined as an elderly primigravida!
In many ways, it's invidious to analyse whether older mums make better or worse parents than younger ones but one thing all of the older mothers I spoke to shared was the level of absolute joy their children bring them, a joy which all of them agree was deepened by the maturity of their years and possibly the realisation that after all their worldly experiences, there was simply nothing to compare to nurturing their own baby.
"Realising what a pure pleasure our little boy is and what unspeakable joy he has brought into our lives is something I really didn't expect and something we both savour more because we are older," says one mother.
Karen Minihan adds: "I used to hate people saying 'you don't understand until you have a child', but having a baby for me has been such a profound experience, it's almost inexplicable. You have a wider sympathy and empathy for all kinds of situation and you have something in common with mothers all over the world. I don't know whether men feel this in the same way."