Too busy to relax, and in need of TLC, Tony Clayton-Lea decided tostop wittering on to his friends down the pub and engage in some unblokeish r and r in a luxury health spa.
If you're a man and your idea of relaxing is going down to the pub and wittering on to your mates about everything that doesn't get to the heart of the matter, it's probably time you made a lifestyle decision and checked yourself into a health spa.
Some people, however, don't know how to relax, their fingers involuntarily twitching towards their mobile phones, their faces peering up from the newspaper every time their peripheral vision catches someone moving.
If you feel you're too busy to relax, something at some point is going to give. Which is why, in an unprecedented gift to my family and myself, I high-tailed it to one of the best-known health spas in Britain for three nights of rest and relaxation.
Dating from the late 17th century, Ragdale Hall stands in the middle of one of the biggest cornfields in north England. The nearest town is Melton Mowbray, but Ragdale Hall nevertheless looks as if it's perfectly situated in the middle of nowhere.
Statistics show that 90 per cent of its guests are women; men come along with their partners, but rarely return on their own (or, for that matter, with their brothers, fathers or sons).
The good news for health freaks is that smoking is banned throughout - although there is a Very Naughty Room where smokers go to feel guilty about not being able to give up the habit. Mobile phone use, too, is restricted (to the privacy of the bedrooms).
Throughout, there is a relaxed atmosphere. Pretty much everyone walks around in their Ragdale Hall robes and towelling mules. There's quite a hush about the place, with everyone respecting each other's silence and seclusion.
The staff (more than 400, including about 100 beauty therapists - apparently the largest concentration in any health spa in Europe) are young, mostly female, helpful and full of useful, theoretical opinions.
One therapist told me that all women hate their feet, and paint their toenails so that the focus is on the colour and size of the nails and not the size and/or shape of the feet; another therapist informed me that David Beckham is wholly responsible for the feminisation of men.
All the facilities are here for anyone needing a detox or de-stress over a few days. I didn't need a detox, as such, but God I needed to put away the mobile phone and laptop for a few days.
The following is a diary of the treatments and associated health exercise classes I experienced.
DAY ONE
7.30 a.m. Tai Chi While it was difficult to focus on anything so early in the morning, this was still a very easy way to segue yourself into the day. Gentle exercises embrace positive energies and thwart negative energies through Zen-like movements and gentle breathing exercises.
It was all a bit too calm for me, though, as I felt quite bored by it halfway through and wanted to go into the adjoining gym to sweat, which I did after breakfast in my room.
Bloke Rating: 3/10
11 a.m. Facial A beauty therapist used a series of moisturisers, cleansers and toners to take away excess dirt from my face, to moisten and then to clean away dead skin.
Very tasty hand movements circled and figure-of-eighted my face, drawing outlines on it whilst circling the shape of the eyes, and making me feel like a new man, so to speak.
Men of all ages, says the therapist, are becoming more and more accustomed to having facials, which makes perfect sense to this one.
Bloke Rating: 8/10
5 p.m. Pilates A large number of people are on the floor doing calm but quite strenuous stretch exercises - primarily to strengthen the stomach and back muscles.
This was deceptively tough; it started off gentle but those stretches built up to hurt in all the right places. Anyone who thinks this is for the girlies is totally wrong.
Bloke Rating: 9/10
DAY TWO
11 a.m. Shiatsu massage Shiatsu is an ancient Japanese healing process that encourages circulation of energy within the body. I was asked to lie down on a futon beside the therapist, who asked me a series of lifestyle and health-related questions. He then mapped out my back and stomach for what he termed warm and cold parts of my body. Without telling me what parts were "warm" or "cold", he carried out a sequence of soft and quite firm massage techniques using fingers, hands, elbows and knees. After this, he informed me he had determined my bladder and kidney were "cold" parts of my body, and had been consciously working on them, transferring "warm" energy from other parts of my body across. He also told me the bladder and kidney were the "batteries of the body", and that the reason why they were "cold" (or drained) was that I worked too much. No surprises there. He advised me to rest for the remainder of the day, as I needed to build up reserves of energy. No gym for me, then. Yippee!
Bloke Rating: 6/10
1.30 p.m. Men's Royal Harmony Oh. My. God. This really was the daddy! My therapist started off by asking me to lie down on a couch and began proceedings with an amomaplasty anti-irritation facial. Expertly smearing cleanser, Aromessence Homme, moisturiser, intensive care shaving mousse and aftershave gel, she then placed on my face a mask (which smelled like warm Weetabix) and hot towels. While this was soaking in and extracting unmentionables from under my epidermis, she deep pressured/massaged my head, arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet and toes. Result? One of the most sensual experiences I've had in the presence of a woman who wasn't my wife. Time for a cold shower.
Bloke Rating: 10/10
DAY THREE
9.30 a.m. Conditioning Hand Or a posh manicure for those who don't know any better. This was the first manicure of my life and I have to say one of the better ways in which to waste 20 minutes. Nails were softened and filed, cuticles shaped and pared to the sweet chirrups of a room full of women only too used to this sort of thing. We liked this a lot.
Bloke Rating: 8/10
10.30 a.m. Beeline Sole Essential Or my feet in their hands. It's not that I've led a sheltered life, but this pedicure was another first. Men's feet, my therapist informed me, are generally in better shape than women's, mainly because we tend not to scrunch our square-peg feet into the round holes of dainty shoes. What followed next was a mixture of the sublime and the wonderful: a footbath to cleanse and soften the feet, a cooling foot spray, a foot exfoliator, lotion and treatments over the feet while they are wrapped in hot towels.
Bloke Rating: 9/10
It seems to me that men are missing out immensely in this area. Although not seen as a proper relaxing alternative to going down the pub, it's an absurd notion to believe it's just women who like to pamper themselves. More and more men, each of the therapists affirmed, are getting used to experiencing beauty and health treatments normally associated with women. This guy is sold - you can count my unfeasibly large chakras and myself in.
For further information, contact Ragdale Hall Health Hydro Spa (0044) 1664 434831 or e-mail inquiries@ragdalehall.co.uk. For somewhere nearer home, contact the Health Farms of Ireland, tel: 091-794959; www.healthfarmsofireland.com