Active parenting is all well and good, but what children really need is company - and, ultimately, you're the one they want
'I'M BORED!" Being accused of boring your child is the parenting equivalent of the Nuremburg Trials. When summer months seem to stretch from here to eternity, how should you respond?
"Leave them for a few minutes. They'll find something fun to do. Out of boredom comes creativity and imagination. Just think back to your own childhood - the real play happened when your parents weren't
around. People who do well in life are people who know how to use their time well," says Irene Gunning of the IPPA (Irish Preschool Playgroups Association).
"But I'm really, reallybored!" The best response, says Jacqui Guiry of Archways, which does the Incredible Years parenting courses, is: "Well, 'lucky you', as my dad used to say. We've become terrified of having bored children. It's okay for kids to be bored."
Gunning and Guiry aren't making an argument for parental neglect - quite the opposite. Gunning stresses that children playing in the road with other children or in the park need a parent around at surveillance
distance, observing without intruding. "I know mothers in estates who organise rosters where they take turns to watch the children."
Summer is full of learning for children, and knowing when to educate and when to take a back seat is the parent's dilemma. So, while the centrepiece of the summer may be a holiday or special day out, don't think that you need to be entertaining your child from morning 'til night.
Gunning says that the knockabout of interaction between children as they challenge each other on a physical level to go as far as they can go is essential to a child's sense of healthy risktaking.
On a psychological level, as children build alliances, reject one another then make up after a fight, they are learning about confidently managing relationships, however painful this may be for parents to watch.
That said, parents enrich their children's summers by taking the lead and bringing their children to interesting local places such as museums and historic sites not too far from home - outings that don't cost the earth, especially if you bring a picnic.
For time-pressed parents, the temptation may be to think that children need the experience of their lives at Eurodisney or some such, but what children really need is time with you, the parent, no matter where that is, both Guiry and Gunning agree.
What parents should be looking for is a balance between children finding ways to entertaining themselves at home, time with other children and time for family activities.
One of the best things parents can do, says Gunning, is "turn off the TV for the summer, or at least limit it. Get the children out of the house." This doesn't have to be expensive. Outings take some organisation, but they don't have to be outsourced to summer camps for the duration.
Parents are so used to being on the go, with lives planned like military campaigns, that they may feel they're depriving their children if they don't have a full schedule planned, says Guiry. Summer is an ideal opportunity to offer children experiences that allow their curiosity to bloom. Whether parents' budgets allow trips to the park or flights to African safaris, parents should follow their children's leads once they get there.
"Children love to learn, and parents are their best teachers, but this means standing back and listening to your child, rather than being so hands-on that you stifle them.
"In a museum, your child might be attracted to one painting because it has a dog in it. Go with that. You don't have to take in every painting in the museum," says Guiry.
The object of outings shouldn't be the knowledge the parent imparts to the child. "We tend to ask children questions because nine out of 10 times we know the answer. Let them ask you the questions," says Guiry. What children are really learning from is the parent's behaviour.
"The most important thing is that children are gaining confidence being in a new situation, and they love spending time with their parents," says Guiry. Last summer, Guiry brought her own two children, aged 13 and 15, to Wexford - not the most expensive or glamorous holiday - but the children had a memorable time. When she asked them later what their best memory was, they both said "being in the sun and getting caught in a thunderstorm".
This sums up the joy of a traditional Irish childhood - having to pack up the picnic and race to shelter.
So relax, and realise that having fun with your children and helping them learn life's lessons doesn't have to mean spending big money on camps, excursions and trips abroad.
• Kate Holmquist will be chairing the launch of
Family Involvement in Educationby Planet (an independent not-for-profit organisation of Area-Based Partnership Companies throughout the State)
on Thursday at the Clock Tower, Department of Education and Science, Marlborough St, Dublin,
9.30am-12.30pm
Expert advice: remember the simple things
• When kids are bored, don't blame yourself. The pressure can be intense when working full-time. Money and time are limited, so do the best with what you have.
• When you have time off work over the summer, don't think you have to be busy. Sitting at the kitchen table with your children and talking over juice or a family meal is a great way to encourage children's sense of themselves. Remember that, as parents, you're their favourite people.
• On an outing to a museum or historic site, don't turn it into a learning session with a quiz afterwards. Follow your child's lead. The most important aspect of visiting a new place is helping your child feel confident in a challenging environment.
• Picnics are an under-rated pleasure. For children, preparing sandwiches, enjoying the journey (as long as parents don't spend the journey talking on mobile phones) and arriving at the destination, makes those egg sandwiches taste fabulous.
• Don't let the weather stop you. "There's no bad weather, only bad clothing," says Gunning. When you
observe nature, take pictures and identify what you've seen by using the internet later.
• Before an outing, encourage older children to do advance research on the internet. Crumbling old houses and castles have fascinating stories.
• Join the library - it's a free resource, offering activities and information on arts and crafts, nature and lots of ideas for things to do.
• Get the kids involved in housekeeping and gardening. Grow things or help them reorganise their bedrooms.
• Enjoy cooking and baking together. They'll love it, and you'll be delighted when they cook dinner for you when they're older.
• Read to your children, even if they're old enough to read themselves. Introduce them to books you loved as a child. Use this summer to make nightly reading a part of your family's routine.
• If your children are in a creche or camp over the summer, take 15 minutes every evening to listen to their stories about what happened that day. And be involved with the facility so that you know the people who are guiding your child.
