Support GroupNatural Parents Network of Ireland: Providing help for those who have had to give up a child eases a traumatic decision. Sylvia Thompson reports
Giving up a baby for adoption can be the most traumatic experience of a woman's life. And making the decision to trace your child and initiate contact with the adult he or she has become can be an equally traumatic if healing experience. For these reasons, a group of women have set up the Natural Parents Network of Ireland, a support group for women and men at "any stage of the journey" from grieving the loss of their baby to those on a waiting list for a search and reunion service to those in the process of reunion or those having difficulties in reunion.
Although the rate of adoption has dramatically declined in Ireland - from a high of almost 1,500 adoptions in 1975 to less than 100 in 2002, there are still many women and men whose lives have been hugely affected by the loss of a baby to adoption.
"We set up the network after a number of us had completed a birth mothers course at Barnardo's in Dublin and we realised how much we had gained from being able to share our hurt with others who felt exactly as we did," says one of the founders of the Natural Parents Network of Ireland.
"We realised we got strength from each other and also, we started to take a more pro-active role; we started to say 'this is not good enough' we deserve to be treated with some sympathy and compassion," she adds.
One of the points the group took issue with was the term birth mother which they felt diminished their connection to their children to the few hours of their birth. Therefore calling themselves, the Natural Parents Network became a significant starting point.
The group now runs support group meetings on the first Tuesday of every month in Baggot St Community Hospital, Baggot St, Dublin. These meetings are facilitated by a psychotherapist who also gave up a baby for adoption. "She understands exactly how the participants feel yet her role is to ensure that no-one dominates the discussion and everyone who wishes has a chance to speak. The focus of the meetings is to give people a chance to tell their stories and to unveil previously suppressed emotions," says one of the members of the NPNI who prefers to remain anonymous.
The network is also in the early stages of setting up similar support groups in each health board region. The plan is to send members from the Dublin-based support group to help other groups in the start-up phase. And in terms of advice for natural parents, adopted children/adults and their adoptive parents, the NPNI suggest preparation is the key to building successful relationships in this triad. "Each party has its representative group - the adoptive parents' association, the adoptive peoples' association and ourselves - and speaking to people in your group about how they have dealt with reunions and other issues is very valuable."
But, she adds poignantly "we are the ones who have suffered the most pain because often we have never been able to speak openly about our loss so by sharing stories and realising that our pain is not unique, we can achieve a more balanced view. The more stories you hear, the more perspective you then have on your own situation."
The Natural Parents Network of Ireland can be contacted by post to The Secretary, Natural Parents Network of Ireland, PO Box 6714, Dublin 4. Email info@adoptionloss.ie
An advice line operates on Sundays from 2 -4 p.m. on lo-call 1890 200046. See also www.adoptionloss.ie