ASK THE EXPERT: Even if the fear is groundless, it is a real fear and must be acknowledged
MY DAUGHTER, who is seven, is afraid of dogs. I know you probably think lots of people are and, to be honest, she has always been fearful but we've never really seen it as a problem until recently.
Her best friend lives next door and they would play regularly, spending time in each other's houses.
They were almost inseparable until the end of the summer. At that stage, her best friend's brother got a dog for his birthday and since then my daughter has refused to go to her best friend's house.
The neighbour's new dog is lovely in lots of ways but he is still a yappy little pup at this stage and my daughter gets frightened even when she hears it. The other day, she was talking to her friend over the wall and the dog came up and tried to jump towards my daughter who ran back into our house screaming hysterically.
So I am now worried about two things: my daughter is not playing with her friend as much because she's afraid to go around to the house; and her fear of dogs seems to be getting bigger and bigger and I don't want this to become a problem that will interfere in the rest of her life. Is there any way we can help her not to be afraid of dogs?
There are several ways that you can help her. In the first instance, it is helpful to acknowledge for your daughter that she is afraid. Even if there seems no good reason for her fear, she does feel it.
Sometimes parents can make unhelpful comments such as that it is silly to be afraid of dogs, or that next door's puppy is lovely and won't hurt her. Such comments don't fit with her feelings and will just confuse her or make her feel worse about herself.
Often times, a phobia can develop from a bad experience that a child has, like being hurt by a dog. Sometimes, too, phobias can develop because a child picks up their parent's or sibling's anxieties about an animal or a situation.
You don't mention any event for your daughter, but if there was something, like being bitten as a small child or a baby, then you might want to get professional help to work through that.
From what you have said, it sounds to me like your daughter experiences a panic when she sees or hears the dog next door. That means she probably gets panic symptoms like feeling sick in her tummy, increased heart rate, flushing in her cheeks, breathing faster and shallower and so on.
Your first step then is to give her skills to help to combat those panic symptoms. Relaxation exercises will teach her to slow her heart rate and bring her breathing under control.
For example, there is a simple-to-learn technique where you breathe deeply and slowly, filling your lungs from the abdomen up.
You count slowly to four as you breathe in. You then hold your breath for a count of one and breathe out again over another count of four. As you become experienced you can slow down the speed at which you count, thereby lengthening each breath cycle in and out.
You could teach your daughter a technique like this and then get her to practise it when she is calm. Once she gets good at it you can suggest to her that she uses it when she feels panicky. Initially she might use it to calm down when she just hears the dog barking.
At the same time you might want to get her to practise using positive self-talk in relation to dogs. Statements she might repeat often to herself include "dogs are friendly creatures", "dogs like to jump up to play games" and other such thoughts.
As she gets more comfortable hearing the dog (and beginning to think it might even be a friendly little pup) you can suggest to her that she looks at the dog, while someone holds it safely, across the wall while using her deep breathing to relax if she feels anxious or panicked. It is also a good idea for you or another trusted adult to be close by her while she looks.
If this is successful, you can slowly help her to come closer to the dog, over time. Do make sure your neighbour, or someone else responsible, continues to hold the dog so she can be confident that it can't run at her.
Any time she feels anxiety she can use her relaxation technique to calm down. If ever she gets too panicked by her proximity to the dog then just go back to the stage before when she was able to feel calm.
After some time (several days or even weeks) of moving through these stages of approaching the dog she may even feel confident to pet it while someone holds it tightly and then, who knows, even to hold it herself.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Play and broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie