ASK THE EXPERT:Non-believing parents with a daughter in a Catholic school are finding it difficult to instil their beliefs in their child, writes DAVID COLEMAN
QOUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD daughter is in senior infants in our local Catholic national school. She is not baptised. We feel that to raise her as a Catholic would be hypocritical and dishonest as we are not believers.
The multi-denominational schools were oversubscribed, so our only option was a State-run Catholic school. She is very happy in school, is confident and enthusiastic, and mixes well.
She is, however, the only child in her year not to be baptised a Catholic. The religious curriculum is suffused throughout the school day, so there is no way to avoid it.
Nor do we wish her to feel excluded. We find that she talks about God, Jesus, says prayers and has learnt to bless herself. She has already pleaded to make her Holy Communion, having seen the older girls come to school in white dresses last May.
Although we would prefer she wasn’t exposed to this religious curriculum, we are trying to be honest with her about our beliefs but not directly contradict what is being taught, and say, for example, “Some people believe God made the world, but I/we believe . . .” Sometimes I feel we are being selfish by not following the more convenient path and baptising her.
My husband feels very strongly that we should stick to our principles, and focus on being honest and open with her. How can we best support her in being different? We want her to learn to be a rational and independent thinker and we want to avoid terrible disappointment at Holy Communion time (two years away). We are feeling our way blindfold and would appreciate some advice on how best to help her live with our choices for her.
AYou and your daughter are in a difficult position. On the one hand, as you rightly point out, you don't want to alienate her within the class or the school and, on the other hand, you don't want to seem hypocritical by endorsing beliefs and doctrines that she is learning in school that you don't agree with.
I like your description of “feeling our way blindfold” through the process. Indeed, that description is apt for how many of us approach the very many parenting decisions we regularly have to make.
Sometimes there is no absolute right and wrong, and we can only be guided by what feels like the best choice at a given time.
I wonder if your non-belief in Catholicism is a personal choice that you came to in adulthood or were you brought up that way? How much influence did your school and/or your parents play in your decisions not to believe in a religious doctrine?
I ask these questions because I think the answers may guide you in your decisions in relation to your daughter.
If it is the case that you were brought up with a religious influence from your family and school that you later chose to question and reject, then you must feel confident that your daughter could also make choices as she gets older about what she believes.
In other words, while school and family influences may be very significant, they don’t have to be defining throughout our lives.
However, I would imagine that if you and your husband’s non-belief is because you were brought up that way, then you may find it more difficult to accept that your daughter may make her own choices in time, truly independently of you and her school.
You describe that you want her to be a “rational and independent thinker”, but I wonder if what you mean is that you don’t want her to believe the Catholic doctrine of her school, rather you would like her to believe in what you believe. While this is a perfectly reasonable thing for you to want, I would suggest that you can’t achieve it while she is in her current school.
While she will develop rational decision-making skills, she is unlikely to have developed them yet.
At her age she is unlikely to have the capacity to challenge either your views or the school’s views, and so it would be much easier for her if she had just one value and belief system to come to terms with.
I think, therefore, that you either need to let her conform fully to the religious doctrine of her school, even if it doesn’t fit for you, confident in the knowledge that she will question it appropriately as she gets older and wiser in the ways of the world, or you need to remove the pressure of that doctrine, so that yours is the only belief system that she is exposed to.
If you truly hold to your own beliefs (or really can’t accept the Catholic beliefs), then it would seem better for you to take her out of the Catholic school, home educate her temporarily if needs be, and then place her in a multi-denominational school when a place becomes available.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
