One reason why people don't achieve their potential is they fear failure. They sabotage possible success with the negative belief "I can't" and fail to challenge the veracity of that statement.
Your expectations of what you can achieve today are based on past experiences and old beliefs. One traumatic childhood failure can so damage self-esteem that in adulthood you still doubt your own abilities.
Most of us are unaware of how we limit our achievements and sabotage our efforts with negative internal dialogue. We generalise from a childhood experience of failure without ever realising the long-term impact it has on our lives.
What you think and feel is very real to you. When you examine the logic behind your thinking you may find unhelpful beliefs that limit your potential to achieve.
Hardly anyone is fully aware of the motives behind the choices they make. There are many parts within you and each part has its own beliefs, attitudes and feelings.
When these parts are in conflict, you feel stressed. Have you ever found yourself fighting with yourself because two different parts were in conflict?
Perhaps one part wanted to play golf while another part believe you should spend time with the family. Whether or not you are aware of these internal conflicts, they affect how you feel and motivate yourself.
Self-awareness is the first step in recognising your internal dialogue, the conversations you have in your mind. If you tell yourself "I can't", you have a limiting belief that shuts the door on change.
Say "I can't yet" and you introduce the possibility that when you take action, read a book, go to classes, or take a course you can. "I can't" is a self-sabotaging belief that robs you of motivation and discourages effort.
Every time you say to yourself "I can't" without exploring your other options you are engaging in self-sabotage. Negative judgments regarding what you believe you can achieve can be traced back to the voices of the authority figures in your childhood.
Check out how you engage in self-sabotage. Become familiar with you own internal dialogue. Listen and challenge that little inner voice that nags you about what you must do.
Psychotherapist Albert Ellis suggests that any time a person thinks "I must", "I should", "I ought" or "I have to", he or she is "musturbating". A healthy response is to change "I want to" or "I chose not to".
Let me explain. Anytime you do something because you want to, you are in control of your own actions. You feel empowered. If you do the identical action because you have to, you are disempowered.
It's not what you achieve but your beliefs, the meaning that your internal dialogue gives to what you say or do, that builds or erodes self-confidence and self-esteem.
When you think positively about what you do, you feel good about yourself. You also look good and people respond to you positively. Negative thoughts are reflected in your facial expression. An unfriendly appearance sabotages relationships.
Any time you feel under pressure, listen to your own internal dialogue. When you slow your thinking down, you will be able to identify the demands being made on you.
There are always expectations you desire to fulfil when you feel stressed. These can be what others expect of you, your own expectations of yourself or they may be the "Thou shalts" of childhood that still have a powerful influence on you.
When you cannot live up to those expectations, you put yourself under pressure. Empathy, a component of emotional intelligence, is the ability to tune into the mindset of another and see the situation from a different perspective.
The overworked manager who loses her temper with the chief executive officer may be engaging in self-sabotage and risking her prospects for promotion. Or she may have the interpersonal skills to communicate in an effective way to get his attention and resolve the situation.
Unlocking potential is influenced as much by how you talk to yourself about success, as it is by the actions you take. What you believe can motivate you to succeed or sabotage your efforts.
Carmel Wynne is author of Coaching - The Key to Unlocking Your Potential; a master practitioner in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and a psychotherapist.
www.carmelwynne.org