The bigger picture: There is a very simple, yet subtle, question that arises at pivotal moments in our lives. Our answer to it defines our choices, the level of belief we will carry, and the direction of our lives. It is, simply: "Can a human being change?"
This question comes to us when we are in profound conflict in a relationship - when one person's difficulty clashes with another's, when two people's distresses start to destroy each other, when someone's struggle comes to seriously hurt someone else.
We then start to wonder: "Are we built this way? Was it inevitable that we would fall apart? Is there nothing between us greater than this? Are things hopeless?"
Or, is it possible to get through? Can fundamental hurts shift? Can the love and connection between two people be more important than any struggles, no matter how deep or how old? Can this person change? Can I?
And then, the most important question: Will they?
Whatever you decide to believe, the truth is that human beings can change. We are deeply intelligent with an incredible capacity to find courage, strength, meaning and reason within ourselves. When it clicks in our minds - when it is most important to us and we can see the consequence of not taking action - then we can, we will, move mountains.
Implicit in the question, "can a human change?" is our concern about hope. If we choose to answer "no", we are also choosing to have a limited amount of hope . . . a limit to our belief, the depth of our relationships, and our life.
If we choose to answer "yes", we are leaving our self open . . . to feel fear, face disappointment, and maybe, be hurt again. But, we are also now open to possibilities . . . to believe. There is no greater power than that.
What makes a person change? Furthermore, what makes it worthwhile waiting for someone else to change?
Sometimes, it's hardest to change when someone else wants it more and is doing more for it than we are. Humans are peculiar beings. We need to be empowered for change to occur.
In order to be empowered, we must be allowed to make choices and need the chance to be responsible. We've got to want it. No one can force a change.
We have to be able to see what were to happen if we didn't do this, the fact that we might lose what matters most to us: closeness, trust, belief, intimacy, hope.
When we realise this (and our intelligence comes to be in charge over our difficulties), then all our other struggles become truly less important. We want change.
Every time we go to shift something truly fundamental, we stir up very deep feelings. We only ever first got stuck with our struggles because we found ourselves on our own, without love or support, when facing overwhelmingly painful feelings.
At that moment, there was nothing left to do but internalise the feelings. While it would have been very confusing at first, eventually we got used to them, even identified with them, and learned to work around them.
But they limit our lives (never mind exhaust us). When we decide to push these limits, the first thing to surface will be those feelings, and they will be just as painful. What they need is loving attention, and we are now in a position to make sure we get it.
Deciding to believe in humanity does not mean having to wait for others around us to take responsibility. It may not make sense to hinge your life and possibilities on waiting to see if someone else feels "inspired" enough to challenge themselves and make meaningful changes.
This, however, is radically different from diminishing your own hope and self-belief, and deciding people can't change.
And yet, there does come a time when it makes sense to hang in there and hold out hope. There will be times (and not just in our intimate partnerships) when we may choose to take charge - because we believe that love is more powerful than any struggle, and because we are currently the only ones holding out this belief.
At these times, when love is our greatest priority, we will win the licence to hold out expectations for those we love - expectations that may be greater than what they hold for themselves. At this moment, we will enter the world of creating opportunities for people to change.
It takes a certain atmosphere for someone to be able to make changes. It isn't easy to choose to feel your deepest pains, after all. We will need to feel listened to, acknowledged and "understood".
We must be able to notice we are loved, regardless of how humiliating our struggle feels. Once you appreciate the task that is at hand, it becomes easier to have compassion and provide space to engage with it.
We have somehow received the idea that our lives will be easier if we settle for our struggles, wrap ourselves in cocoons and avoid hurt. Ironically, it is not new hurts but old ones - those we carry around - that limit our lives. When we change, what we recover is more of ourselves.
Shalini Sinha has founded Forward Movement, a clinic where she practises life coaching, the Bowen technique, and studies nutritional medicine.