ASK THE EXPERT:When your child misbehaves in school, it is important to show it won't be tolerated
I AM THE mother of a five-year-old boy, in his first year at primary school. Three times in the past week he has bitten his classmates, most recently today, when he bit a little boy.
His teacher phoned me immediately and I took him home from school, having first made him apologise to the three children (all little boys) whom he has bitten. After the other two incidents, I spoke to him firmly, tried to ascertain why he had done this (there seemed to be no provocation, just an impulsive act) and each time he promised that it wouldn't happen again and that he was very sorry for what he had done.
This time I don't feel that talking about it will suffice. He has no previous history of ever biting children - he has two younger sisters, one aged three and one just six months, and has never bitten them.
He also has mixed with other children at a childminder's from an early age and spent a happy year at playschool, with nothing like this ever happening before.
He has always seemed to me to be a very happy, friendly little boy, and so this just seems totally out of character for him.
He has also always been very popular with his classmates, but won't be for much longer, if this continues.
His teacher feels it is out of character for him too, but is most concerned (naturally) that it cannot be allowed to continue.
I asked his father to come home from work early to talk to him about this today and have put him in his room, with no TV or treats at all for the rest of the day. But I really feel that I need a strategy to cope with this and am concerned as to how to do that without alienating him at the same time. Please help!
There is nothing quite like the jolt we can feel when we get contacted by a teacher to tell us that our child has misbehaved in a serious way.
I can imagine that your son's teacher probably felt quite shocked by the sudden change in the past week and also concerned that his biting was becoming a habit.
It is good that you are getting a clear and quick message from the teacher, as this means you can take action to support what the teacher does in the class.
Ultimately, however, there is a limit to how much you, as a parent, can influence your child's behaviour in school. The management of this behaviour must come within the class and be directed by his teacher.
Your efforts are simply designed to back up whatever the teacher proposes to resolve the situation.
The core of any response to biting must be a swift message that the behaviour is not okay and that it will not be tolerated. It sounds like you and the teacher are doing exactly that.
Your response to the biting incidents, of removing him from school for the remainder of the day, applying consequences and speaking to him sounds helpful, but be wary of becoming too punitive!
Underlining your own reaction by getting his dad to take time off to speak to him too gives a further very strong message to your son.
The reality of any response to misbehaviour from a child is that it usually needs to be repeated regularly and consistently for learning and change to occur. It is very rare for a child's misbehaviour to change for good from a single incidence of punishment.
So it is likely that your son, after three negative outcomes (for him) from biting, will start to get the message but it may take a few more attempts before it stops altogether.
Another positive factor for you is that the biting is out of character and has only happened in one environment (school). This means that it hasn't really had a chance to become a habit and so should stop in response to your behavioural strategies.
I would also not worry too much about the remorse that you have asked your son to show. True remorse only develops in adolescence (along with a conscience).
It is perfectly possible for younger children to say sorry one day, and repeat the misbehaviour the next, without seeing the link.
Finally, I would suggest that you don't panic and start to perceive terrible behavioural trouble into the future.
All children have periods when their behaviour can wobble from their norm.
Sometimes there is a clear reason for the change (new sibling, moving house, bullying, parental conflict, change in teacher and so on) and so once things stabilise in the child's environment, then their behaviour stabilises too.
At junior infant level, unless there is a very clear reason for the change in their behaviour, just continue to react calmly, firmly and with authority. Maintain your positive relationship with his teacher, and together you will give your son the clear message that biting is not okay and will not be tolerated.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television. He is currently recruiting teenagers for a new TV show; full details can be found at www.firebrand.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie