What is Mr Claus's prognosis? His continued good health has medics baffled
"Many health-conscious children have started to leave a glass of milk (excellent for his calcium intake) but more traditionally he was offered a mind-numbing concoction (literally) of alcoholic beverages such as sherry, whiskey and beer
OVER A 24-hour period starting tomorrow evening, Santa Claus will deliver Christmas presents to about 400 million children, visiting more than 800 homes each and every second. He will cover a whopping 75 million miles, with his sleigh travelling at about 3,000 times the speed of sound and carrying a payload of over 300,000 tonnes.
If these facts are astonishing, there is another aspect of the Santa Claus phenomenon which baffles the finest scientific minds in the run-up to Christmas each year - namely how does a man who seems to thumb his nose at all normal health advice enjoy such ruddy good health and startling longevity?
In fact, Santa's health checkup reveals him to be somewhat of a medical marvel. In one sense he is a stereotypically unhealthy adult male - he's overweight, eats and drinks excessively and pays little attention to his health.
"He's a man who lives life to its fullest and I suspect he is an infrequent visitor to his GP," says Dr Kilian McGrogan, a GP at the Mercer's Medical Centre in Dublin. "He is Irish men in a nutshell. He's all of us writ large."
But despite this, Santa manages to do what the rest of us can't - he defies his statistically poor odds of survival with considerable aplomb. In fact, if Santa Claus is really St Nicholas, then he has already exceeded the life expectancy of the average European male by nearly 1,700 years.
Santa is variously described as being "chubby and plump" and having a belly that shakes "like a bowl full of jelly".
This would set alarm bells ringing were he a "normal" patient, according to McGrogan. "There's an increasing belief that it's not total weight that counts, but rather the amount of weight you carry around the stomach area, so I'm afraid poor Santa is right in the category of truncal obesity."
The excess weight, he says, could also result in other problems including high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. "Fifty per cent of Irish men at the age of 50 have high blood pressure and Santa has all the risk factors for it."
We do not know if he eats the mini snacks which are laid on for him at each stop, nor are we even sure that he has a standard metabolism. What we do know is that each one of those mince pies contains about 200 calories, 8g of fat and up to 26g of sugar (that's five teaspoons - ouch), so even if he's just taking a nibble in each house . . . well, you do the maths.
Then again, maybe such as mad dash around the world necessitates such a sizeable calorie intake?
"I think we certainly leave out the wrong kinds of foods for him," says Dr Mark Walsh, chairman of the Irish College of General Practitioners. "We leave the healthier stuff for the reindeers, but perhaps we should be thinking about healthier alternatives for Santa too."
Equally worrying is what he's using to wash down the mince pies. Many health-conscious children have started to leave a glass of milk (excellent for his calcium intake) but more traditionally he was offered a mind-numbing concoction (literally) of alcoholic beverages such as sherry, whiskey and beer.
"The recommended intake per day for adult men is four units. Clearly he is exceeding that," says McGrogan with admirable understatement. "He needs to be honest with his GP and discuss his drinking habits."
Some traditions talk about Santa smoking a pipe and the smoke encircling "his head like a wreath" but doctors can not fathom the notion that he could still be smoking given all we know about the health implications of that particular vice.
"Smoking is just a big no-no. There is no upside to it. He should just quit, full stop," says McGrogan.
Walsh suggests that perhaps Santa has never smoked and that clever advertisers put the pipe in to early illustrations to sell their brands of pipes or tobacco.
We don't know anything at all about Santa's exercise regime and perhaps a 75 million mile journey in one day is enough exercise for the whole year - but his ample girth would suggest a rather sedentary lifestyle.
"He may be a total ski-head for the rest of the year," says McGrogan, "but if he works this one day and does nothing the rest of the time, that would be a worry.
"A sedentary person is 75 times more likely to have a heart attack during unaccustomed exertion. We would encourage him to have a year-round exercise regime. Perhaps he could spread things out a bit - divide it up by continents and start earlier in the year? Though perhaps that would take the magic out of it."
The ruddy complexion, he says, could be a result of the alcohol intake or a chronic skin condition called rosacea.
"It would be very kind of us to suggest rosacea given what we know about his alcohol intake but certainly he would be exposed to the trigger factors for that, such as exposure to heat and blustery cold. But the red cheeks could be simply due to a little windburn from being up on that sleigh."
Santa also has to contend with some serious "on the job" health and safety issues. There's the little problem of that sleigh moving at 650 miles a second for starters.
"We never see him with a seatbelt on which is a concern," says Walsh. "And if health and safety officers got their hands on him I am sure they would insist that he wear a high-viz jacket."
McGrogan calls him an "old-style" driver. "We have seen examples of his parking with the sleigh perched precariously on a roof. That's an accident waiting to happen. Also, we see him humping around that huge sack which could cause him back problems and I have never seen an illustration of him in the classic knees-bent pose. He could probably do with some re-education on lifting techniques."
Crossing 12 time zones in one day is likely to play havoc with his body's circadian rhythms, while the temperature variations he experiences along the way (from -20 degrees in Finnish Lapland to +21 degrees in California) would put the heart of a normal man under considerable strain.
Then there's the exposure to toxicity (soot in chimneys) and potential workplace accidents from tiptoeing around in the dark (falling down a chimney or off a roof, etc).
"Given his size, if he fell he would fall hard," says McGrogan, "and a man of his age would typically have a low-bone density so he would be at a greater risk of fracture. More exercise and watching his weight would certainly help in this regard."
What about other important areas of men's health? Both doctors believe he is at a statistically low risk of testicular cancer given his age, but a man of his years should be very aware of what's going on with his prostate so he should have regular check-ups.
"I am sure his sleigh gets its NCT test," says Dr Walsh. "But does Santa get his?"
Of considerable concern is how he handles stress in his life, given that he has a notoriously heavy workload and operates to a very strict deadline.
"We know that stress can cause serious health issues particularly when you have heavy psychological stress accompanied by physical work," says McGrogan.
"He does carry the weight of expectation of millions of children around with him which must be stressful. But given what we know about his demeanour, it would seem he is able to handle the stress well."
A-ha. Perhaps therein lies the key to Santa's remarkable ability to defy medical science?
We know that he is jolly and optimistic by nature and various studies have shown that a positive outlook has a significant impact on health, possibly even providing a bulwark against cancer and heart disease.
We also know that he is of sharp mind and given that he knows exactly who is naughty and nice, he must surely have considerable insight and wisdom.
Mrs Claus, the elves and the reindeers also provide all-important companionship.
Studies have also shown the health benefits of remaining usefully employed in later life and the importance of enjoying your job - Santa clearly loves his. "He's greatly loved, admired and respected which is incredibly life-affirming," says McGrogan. "He also has amazing cognitive abilities and organisational skills."
Of course as any child will tell you, trying to understand Santa Claus from a purely scientific perspective is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole - it is an entirely pointless endeavour.
Even a cursory glance at his annual accomplishments proves that the big man operates outside the laws of science.
So the overall prognosis?
"I would have to concede that Mr Claus is in exceedingly good health," says McGrogan, looking rather baffled.
"We don't know anything at all about Santa's exercise regime and perhaps a 75 million mile journey in one day is enough exercise for the whole year - but his ample girth would suggest a rather sedentary lifestyle