A few years ago, when I was still working for the HSE, some colleagues and I were discussing the collapse of the economy. This had been so sudden and catastrophic that I predicted a new world order in which several Irish families would have to live together in the same house. Not the slum living that was common in the early 20th century but where two or more families would have to share domestic space.
Colleagues thought I was being too pessimistic but different generations sharing one home is now reality for many families. And not just in Ireland. The numbers of adults living with their parents, known as boomerang children, has doubled in the US and Canada since the 2008 recession.
Empty nests, which parents endured because of emigration between the 1950s and 1980s, have been replaced by cluttered ones.
A recent documentary on RTÉ followed the lives of four families where the adult children were forced by financial circumstances to move back in with their parents.
The families included a couple with young children who moved in with parents; a separated father who moved back to his mother’s house with a new girlfriend; a daughter who went home because her Priory Hall house was uninhabitable; and another daughter who moved in with her parents because of negative equity and rents out her own home to clear some debts.
These domestic arrangements had a huge negative effect on everyone’s health, with the parents of the adult children particularly affected.
They felt angry, resentful, frustrated and helpless. They had little choice but to let their adult children share their home even though this was not what they wanted or expected at this stage of their lives.
“When are we going to get our house back” and “It’s like having guests all day long” were strongly expressed sentiments.
Conflicts arose on a regular basis such as grandchildren being raised differently – no slapping; washing machines and dryers continuously on the go; and queues to use the bathroom.
“You are timing yourself and watching to see does anyone else want to go.” Not to mention the extra cost of toilet paper.
Stressful situation
Welcome to 21st-century Ireland. Just when older people are looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet, travel and pottering around, they have a house full of people with wants and needs that must be fulfilled, which is the main reason parents find the situation so stressful.
They are doing something they don’t want to do or they are doing more than they intended.
It is inevitable that people will have different needs when two families, or several adults of different ages, share the same house.
Conflict arises when wants and needs compete. Some will want more or less privacy and more or less peace and quiet. Some will want home-cooked food, others takeaway, and so on. Neat and messy cooks using the same kitchen can be extremely stressful.
The only thing that helps is to be assertive and several assertiveness skills are relevant in these situations.
Asking for what you want is the first necessary skill. Being clear about these wants and expressing them in unambiguous verbal language accompanied by matching body language is essential. It is useless saying, “yes, of course you can move back home” when your body language is saying “over my dead body”.
Saying “no” and “yes” and “setting limits” are also useful skills.
In one of the RTÉ scenarios the mother allowed her separated son's very new girlfriend to move in as well. This was a situation where the mother could have said: "It's okay for you [son] to move back in for a while on your own. I am not sharing my home with someone I don't know."
'Broken record'
Another skill is "broken record", which means saying what you want and sticking to that no matter what the other person says.
Being assertive is not selfishness. Research shows that unless parents prioritise their own needs and wants in these situations, everyone’s health suffers, including that of adult children.
Two generations sharing one house is likely to become even more common over the next few years because the recession is not over.
If you agree to let your children move back, even temporarily, set the ground rules. If you are in the lucky position of having the old family home to yourself, enjoy the peace and quiet. It may not last too long.
Jacky Jones is a former HSE regional manager of health promotion.
drjackyjones@gmail.com