ASK THE EXPERT:The ability children have to adapt and settle in following a move is remarkable, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
MYSELF AND my husband had been toying with the idea of moving from Ireland to Italy. I’ve always had a desire to live in a warmer climate and the weather has been so grim over the past eight to 12 months that I finally reached a point where I’ve persuaded himself that we should move.
A lot of my husband’s business is done through e-working and e-commerce, so we are very fortunate that he won’t have to find work wherever we move. The thing is that we can’t commit to moving for good (that’s just a step too far for my husband!) so we are just going for an initial 12 months.
My worry, however, is the impact that this might have on my three children. Our youngest is just coming up to two years of age, our middle child is six and the eldest is eight. The older two are actually quite settled in school and have lots of nice friends. I’m afraid that they won’t be able to make new friends because of the language barrier.
I’m also not even sure, because it’s just for a year, whether we will send them to school over there. I can remember that we moved house when I was 12 and I found it quite traumatic and never really settled or made proper friends until I went to university. And so, while I very selfishly want to try the relocation, I’m just not sure if it is the best thing for my children.
I THINK it is okay to be unsure. Relocating to another country is a big deal. However, in your case it does, practically, sound like it can all happen without too much fuss.
It sounds like a great opportunity for your family. You don’t have to worry too much about disruption or loss of work and this really lowers the risks involved in relocation.
You don’t explain why your own move, as a child, was traumatic. It may have happened at an awkward age for you, when you felt inflexible about change and self-conscious about meeting new people.
But, in Italy, you are choosing a country that has a great reputation for welcoming and including children, and so I would be really surprised if your children didn’t find it quite easy to integrate. The key will be to find opportunities for them to be involved in local or community activities where they will have a chance to meet other children.
You might also be amazed at how your children’s natural capacity to make friends (which they must have if they have created a circle of friends here) will continue to function in Italy.
Children can be really adaptable and often find it easier to settle into strange environments than their parents, so it is possible that they may feel part of Italy before you do.
You may well have to reassure them that they will not be losing everything by moving to Italy. One aspect of change is to try to ensure some familiarity continues, lessening the breadth of things you and the children have to acclimatise and adjust to.
So getting them to select a bunch of favoured toys that will come with you, trying to bring some parts of their comfortable bedding or favoured clothes will all increase their early security.
In psychological terms these kinds of things are called transitional objects and their function is to offer consistency and familiarity (and therefore security and comfort) at times of big change.
You don’t say it, but I am guessing that you are not selling your house here. Again, that reduces complication and risk.
It also gives a strong message to your children that you will be returning to the comparative security of Ireland and the lives you currently lead.
Bear in mind that in some European countries it is illegal not to send your children to school so don’t automatically assume that it will be okay to keep them at home with you. School, too, is a very natural environment for them to make new friends and it will certainly speed up their integration, as well as affording you the opportunity to meet new people also.
If you do end up keeping them at home then there are lots of opportunities, anyway, for learning (in a structured or unstructured way) about Europe, for example, including languages, history and geography, just based on the cultural differences you will be experiencing.
You haven’t said when you are thinking of going, but I assume that you have plenty of lead-in time for planning. Engaging your children in the planning will be both educational and will help them to feel part of the whole move. Do keep in touch at the e-mail below; I’d be really interested to hear how you get on and I’ll try not to be too jealous of your adventure!
- David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television. His new series Teens in the Wildstarts on RTÉ 1 on Monday, February 2nd
- Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com