The Bigger Picture: What other people think of us affects us more than we realise. Although we're often told not to worry about it, in reality this is a slightly unreasonable expectation. We are deeply connected to other individuals, so we are affected by them. However, when our own opinion of ourselves becomes weak, the views of others become too powerful in our lives.
Of course we pay attention to what others think of us. It starts from something rational: our self-esteem is built or broken by the messages others send us about ourselves when we are very young.
The more they love us, the more likely we are to feel good about ourselves. If they continuously put us down, we grow up insecure, inadequate and self-destructive.
The opinions others have of us shape not only our self-belief, but our life outcomes too.
We all know the effects of a teacher who tells us we're useless and won't amount to anything. As a result, we don't learn, can't achieve in their class, and find ourselves well on the way to amounting to nothing.
This also happens in our families. If parents or other family members are abusive or simply afraid to praise us for fear of spoiling us, our sense of self suffers, affecting the decisions we make and the course of our lives.
If we are put down regularly and at key times or by key individuals, we can get stuck there. We internalise the struggle and are left with chronic and deep difficulties with how we feel about ourselves.
Our personal belief and sense of security is affected. We come to need reassurance more and more. No matter how much reassurance we get, it makes no dent on our negative opinion of ourselves.
It is at this point that the opinions of others take on too much power.
An internalised struggle has a life of its own. The issues shift from what people actually think of us to our skewed perception of ourselves.
Where the face of a friend or colleague might look worried or anxious (probably about something unrelated to us), we see disappointment in and rejection of us.
We believe, and so tell ourselves relentlessly, that others think we're not good enough. In truth, we think we're not good enough, and this belief guides our behaviour, limiting our lives.
Seeing things that are not necessarily happening is one of the definitions of "madness". Yet, most of us do this regularly as a "normal" part of our lives. We are sure it is true that others don't really like us, think we're weird, are waiting for us to mess up or show that we're incompetent.
Our belief is so strong that we fight for and even defend it. Underneath, what we are really protecting is our own low opinion of ourselves.
We should have an opinion of ourselves, and it's reasonable that this opinion isn't only made up of negative views. Such a perspective would be far from the reality of the situation, and out of balance.
Each one of us displays wonderful, awe-inspiring aspects. In truth, we have far more of these than our struggles. We might as well let them show. Not only is it unhelpful, but it is not an intelligent position to focus entirely on the negatives and neglect the positives.
It is important that we notice what others think of us, partly because it's not all negative. There are people in our lives who respect, admire and believe in us (and if there aren't, go out and find them now!). There are people who love us, and we must let that love in.
Noticing the positive things others think about us helps us to develop an accurate opinion of ourselves (particularly if were in the habit of putting ourselves down).
Doing this allows us to become a far stronger person, and someone we ourselves would want to believe in and count on.
We need feedback, not to be hard on ourselves but to open our minds to new and diverse perspectives. Some feedback inspires and excites us. Others strengthen us. Still others challenge us to push out our limits.
We can be discerning about what we take in. Not every opinion we are given about ourselves is true. If we have our own well-grounded view on the matter, it will be easier for us to sift through what is valid and what is not.
That which is true must be taken on board. That which is false must be discarded. Most of all, we must keep thinking about this.
A strong sense of ourselves leaves us flexible and able to reflect, challenge ourselves and foster growth.
We build this opinion as much from the feedback we get from others as the decisions we make for ourselves.
In doing so, we shape our own lives. What goes on in our own heads gives us the greatest power to do this. We have the right to believe in and feel good about who we are.
The more we see ourselves this way, the more we will notice that others do too.
Shalini Sinha practises life coaching and the Bowen technique in her clinic, Forward Movement.