Frustration is often the tantrum trigger whether in a toddler or a teenager, writes Sheila Wayman
A SNACK HAD seemed like a good idea when we had an hour to kill between flights with our two young children in Terminal 1 of Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. My husband and the older boy disappeared down an escalator to a cafe bar and returned with a chocolate muffin for Daniel, who was just one week short of his second birthday.
Without thinking, I opened the sealed cellophane packet. Big mistake. This was something he could do himself and something he wanted to do himself. He was furious.
The full-blown tantrum that followed was spectacular. The "terrible twos" had arrived with a vengeance. It seemed like everybody in the airport turned around to look with varying degrees of sympathy, amusement and disapproval.
Mortified, and with nowhere to hide, we had to sit it out until the rage like a force of nature petered out.
Temper tantrums are inevitable with toddlers, but most grow out of them as they learn to cope with being frustrated. (Although we all know an adult or two who act like a toddler when things are not going right.)
"Frustration is the most common of human emotions," says Dr Michael Sweeney, assistant professor of clinical psychology at New York's Columbia University, who was in Dublin recently to talk on Managing Anger in Your Child.
"Teaching children to deal with frustration is like teaching them to read or to ride a bicycle. Some kids learn it lickety-split, while others have a hard time learning it," says Sweeney.
Some homes are bad education grounds for learning self-control. There may be an alcoholic parent, or parents averse to being forceful.
Combine this with a child who has difficulty mastering self-control, and you have the worst of both worlds.
You know if your child has a particular problem, he says, when s/he becomes excessively upset about ordinary requests, such as going to bed or doing homework.
No matter what age the child or the issue provoking the anger, the inability to tolerate frustration is the same basic problem. Only the resulting behaviour differs.
"They are still temper tantrums," says Sweeney, who was born in the US to Irish parents from near Knock, Co Mayo.
"A five year old does not want to go to bed on time; a 15 year old does not want to come home on time. A five year old slams the bedroom door; a 15 year old slams the front door when leaving home." Speaking to The Irish Times, he explains that when he was studying psychology, there was the belief that most children's misbehaviour was the parents' fault.
But in clinical practice, he has seen cases where a couple doing great with two children had major anger problems with a third. That would suggest there are individual factors at play.
Some children just find it harder to learn to cope with frustration than others. He recommends the following steps for dealing with an angry child:
1.Stay calm: this is an educational undertaking, nothing personal.
2.Prioritise: if the child is not only refusing to do homework and chores, but hitting his sister, deal with one problem at a time. In this case it would be best to focus on the treatment of his sister.
3.Why: ask yourself why the child has such a low-frustration tolerance over this particular issue, eg are there justifiable grounds for jealously of his sister or, if homework is the problem, does he need to be taught a better way to study?
4.Anticipate: try to discuss the issue with the child well before the flashpoint is likely to occur, then there is the possibility of the child's calmer side winning out. Tell him you believe he can do whatever is being asked and outline the consequences if he doesn't.
5.Prepare: just before homework time, or a ride home in the back seat of the car with his sister, encourage him to accomplish the task, with words such as "let's make this a good night", "I know you can do it".
6.Motivation: introduce motivation for change. While most adults get upset if they lose their temper, not all kids are bothered by their own tantrums, so the lack of an outburst is no motivation for a child.
Motivations can be "tangible", such as extra time on the computer or a later bedtime, or "non-tangible", such as affirming "we are going to be so happy when you do this", or high fives all round. It's up to the parent to choose.
Try to get away with the non-tangible, is Dr Sweeney's advice. That may include saying you are disappointed rather than happy when there is no change in behaviour. However, it's important to stress, he adds, that most parents will end up using a mix of positive and negative motivations.
Dr Sweeney's lecture was one in a series organised by the Lucena Foundation. The next event is a workshop entitled Be a Clever Santa, looking at how to select appropriate toys for Christmas, which will take place on Tuesday, November 11th at 7 pm at the Lucena Clinic, Orwell Road, Rathgar. Admission is free, but as places are limited, you must register by calling 01-4923596 or e-mail marie.mccourt@sjog.ie
Due to the demand for places at the Managing Anger in Your Child talk, it will be repeated by Prof Fiona McNicholas, consultant child adolescent psychiatrist at the Lucena Clinic and Our Lady's Children's Hospital, on Tuesday, January 13th, 2009. See lucenaclinic.ie for details or email swayman@irish-times.ie