HEALTH PLUS:Is "stealing" a phase that children go through or is it the first step to a criminal career if left unchecked, asks Marie Murray
WHAT SHOULD you do if your child returns home with objects that were not in the school bag when the child entered school that morning? Should he or she be marched straight back to apologise and explain?
Should the situation be ignored or should the return of goods be made more casually the next day?
Is "stealing" a phase that children go through or is it the first step to a criminal career if left unchecked?
The issue of children acquiring objects that are not their own is a complex one and great damage can be done to children who are wrongly accused of stealing. Equally, children who are not guided in understanding the distinction between what belongs to them and what belongs to others can find themselves in serious future difficulties.
If we ask why children "steal", the answer depends upon the age of the child, the child's conceptual understanding, the context in which things are taken and the comprehension the child has of the situation, the confusion between sharing and keeping, and the distinction between locations, given that children are often permitted to have a toy in one place but not to remove it to another.
Additionally, children may take things because they are attracted to them. They may want something and be unable to contain that emotion. They may be upset and take objects to fill a void and to comfort themselves particularly in situations of early maternal separation and loss.
They may simply not understand that they cannot take what they want.
Many young children take things simply because they are too young to understand that they are not entitled to remove them for their own use. After all, toys that they are permitted to play with all day in playschool can surely be brought home to continue playing with them there?
Asking the child to understand the complex concepts of time, location and context is unreasonable. The process of learning honesty is gradual. It takes time. It requires direction.
Understanding about belongings, learning how to distinguish between who owns what and when one is permitted to use the belongings of another person requires guidance.
Instead of admonishing the child or checking schoolbags for "stolen" goods, parents who check with the child before they leave school that he or she has all their own belongings in the bag and have not forgotten any, parents who then remove any "belongings" that do not belong to the child with sentences such as "Oh look, this does not belong to you so we must leave that behind" help the child to understand ownership which is a first principle in honesty.
Of course, older children and adolescents who understand ownership may take things because they do not have what other children have and they perceive stealing as a way of redressing the inequality and injustice they feel.
They may steal for the thrill and the dare, to be part of a gang, to acquire specific possessions, for the challenge against authority or to draw adult attention to their emotional needs.
Sometimes children who have no need to steal do so to punish and shame parents whom they perceive to have neglected, rejected or abandoned them.
Sometimes children steal because they are being bullied: the goods are taken at the behest of the bullies or to acquire things to appease their tormentors. Sometimes children steal to buy friendship.
Stealing may be a sign of social isolation. It has been associated in some instances with addiction, with an eating disorder, with obsessive compulsive disorder, with anxiety and with depression.
Understanding why a child has taken something is the first step to helping those who have a problem. There are questions to be asked rather than accusations to be made of liar, sneak, robber, pilferer and thief because one of the worst hurts for a child who has taken something is to be designated a thief.
Instead this is the time to ask questions, including: why was the object taken? Did the child want the object? Did he or she want to take it away from a particular person? Is it a sign of anger, upset or distress?
Does the child feel less favoured than siblings or less talented and able than peers? What else is happening in the child's life, socially, at home, at school? What temptations are there around the house - open purses, wallets and loose change? Did the child make it easy to get caught?
Stealing has psychological import. It is often a cry for help. It requires immediate intervention, compassionate understanding and professional support.
• Clinical psychologist Marie Murray is director of the Student Counselling Service in UCD