The Bigger Picture:If you decided to chase your ideal life, what's the worst that could happen? asks Shalini Sinha.Would things really go terribly wrong? What are your fears, what keeps you distracted, what are your excuses?
The main question, from your own assessment, should ask if your life in order.
If it isn't, then it is your primary job to solve the problem.
So, what are the reasons why you haven't taken on your life? It's not for no reason. There's definitely something that's causing it - something that causes us to be defensive rather than effective, something that distracts us from what is truly important to us.
In every case, it deserves neither our attentions nor our energies. It is not a measure of who we are. All that there is to judge us on is the track record of our actions. And so, we might as well focus our attention on learning to take actions that we, ourselves, are proud of.
All our excuses are actually ways we blame other factors - whether they be feelings, attitudes or actually people - for the difficulties in our lives. And, in every case, blame is a distraction. It takes our power away and stops us from addressing the real issues.
In actual fact, all that matters is that this struggle makes our lives more difficult, makes us more unhappy and stands in our own way of living the life we want. If we are to be adults - and so leaders of our own life - then the only priority is to take charge of the situation for ourselves.
The truth is that blame disempowers everyone involved. For the person who has been "mistreated" it deflects the focus such that it is virtually impossible to do anything about it.
We are waiting for something from somewhere else - an acknowledgement, an apology, a feeling to go away, a whole group of people to stop behaving as they have been. And as we wait, our own life grinds to a halt.
Blame is also disempowering for the party on the receiving end, because it doesn't acknowledge what their situation or difficulties were at the time. In truth, no human being would mistreat another if they were functioning well, and it is a somewhat of a useless exercise to be waiting for them to function better or have extra resources to acknowledge their dysfunction before we can move on.
It is true, we all need acknowledgement. We all need a recognition of, and indeed clarity on, the facts of our history. And, we all need to be heard.
We need these things to move out from a "victim" mentality and move forward to take charge.
Every one of us carries some aspect of a victim mentality. Every place we are unable to be in charge of in our lives is evidence of this.
Remember that being "in charge" does not mean dominating, bullying or being bossy. When one is in charge, they have a presence in a situation and are able to think well and move things in a way that is most constructive and empowering for everyone.
Carrying aspects of "victim-hood" does not make us pathetic. It is just an outcome of some of our experiences.
We all have experiences of being victimised at some point in our histories. Often it was by people who loved us and in situations that didn't seem so remarkable at that time, but also sometimes in more explicit and dramatic circumstances.
In most cases, we would not have been sufficiently facilitated through these experiences to have been able to recover our sense of our full power.
These are the places where we haven't taken charge, and it shows in our life and it also affects those around us.
"Taking charge of your life" sounds like an empowering and freeing idea. Yet, the actual step to doing so is a brave one.
It means taking our attention off any other outside forces that might explain or resolve our struggle for us, and firmly decide that we are now fully responsible for the situation and will resolve it for ourselves.
So, how do you want to live your own life? What are your own values?
If they weren't taught to you in your childhood, choose to learn them for yourself now.
There's no one stopping you, and no worthwhile reason why you shouldn't lead your life as it makes sense to you. By changing past and limiting patterns you will not become the worst things you dread, but the most beautiful and attractive person you can imagine.
Here's a recipe for building your life.
Build support. Don't consider your feelings in your decisions - 99 per cent of the time they are not genuine but reminiscent of past struggles and only have us feeling badly about ourselves.
Take steps to solve the problems in your life. Most importantly, treat yourself with appreciation and understanding. There is a reason why you have struggled. There is no point pretending otherwise.
However, gather your resources, call in the troops, and change the direction of your life so that it brings you joy.
• Shalini Sinha provides life coaching and the Bowen technique for clients all over Ireland.