The Bigger Picture: Every person is inherently good. And within everyone, we can find something to connect with - warmth, encouragement, hope and love. But in practical terms, this isn't easy.
There are some people we find attractive and others we can't stand to be around. While it is not necessary for us to have a well-working relationship with everyone, the widespread struggle for human beings to connect with each other must be broken down if we are to address very personal levels of isolation.
It is unfortunate but true: every person in the current society has been mistreated. This is a numbed out, 'quick fix', image-based culture prioritising economic distress above real human needs. Certain people, in particular, are targeted for exploitation. Others are hurt deeply by having to participate in the process. No one has enough support or resource to get through this well or with dignity. If we had, we would have put an end to it long ago.
Living through this, we have all collected a series of hurts. Depending on how these hurts lie, we find some people very easy to be with and others very difficult. When very painful things happen, it is these hurts that either make us feeling we don't know how to respond, or cause us to respond in inappropriate ways. Thus, we are all capable of contributing to a situation that lacks safety, trust and support; and so aggravates isolation.
It is important, at a societal level, that we recover our interest in each other. We need to wake up, pay better attention and notice isolation as it develops around us. There is an enormous shortage of awareness in society. There is even less effective support, however. If each one of us decided to engage in a collective responsibility for social wellbeing, great things could change in the quality and operation of our lives.
Developing good support skills can be tricky. Particularly when they go against what is widely taken for granted. For example, one tenet of this society is to assume that every problem must be solved. As such, when faced with trauma, we get lost in figuring out 'why', offering advice and finding solutions. Hurt cannot be solved, however. It must be healed. Easy, relaxed listening is the only way to support this.
Trying to 'fix' things, giving advice or being critical are destructive responses. They undermine intelligence, shatter belief and nurture isolation. What's more, looking for solutions fuels an agenda quite different to healing. You find it painful to watch. You are frustrated. You want things to move on quickly. Although usually disguised as 'loving concern', these perspectives miss the point of the process human beings must go through in order to heal trauma. We simply must tell our stories.
Listening is probably our most powerful resource and a craft that very few people engage in anymore. Questions and comments need to reflect what one has heard and be driven from an interest only to learn more. Offering perspective on what's good and true despite the enormity of the struggle is helpful. However, it is also useful to realise that if you did nothing more than listen well, a lot can happen. The healing process will begin, perspective can return and useful directions may emerge on their own.
People need a voice. We need to be heard. Telling our stories is an important part of understanding ourselves. Having those stories acknowledged is probably the most important thing - essential to our empowerment and the recovery of our good thinking. Far from being 'indulgent' or 'self-absorbed', receiving attention is an important and natural part of healing.
However, simply giving or receiving attention will only get us so far. We must share and take turns. While those in the midst of an acute struggle will need extra resources for a short period of time, in general one of the great problems with our world is not giving and taking mutually. Instead, we tend to have those who give and those who take, and no one in very good shape as a result.
If we were met with worry, fear or criticism when we struggled as young people, we will no doubt respond like this as adults. If we come from historically disempowered groups - people with disabilities, Travellers, black people, gay men and lesbians to name just a few - it is even less likely there is space to hear our voice or acknowledge our experiences. Isolation of experience is guaranteed to us by the structures of society and it makes sense to give a little bit of extra thought to it.
Whatever has created the wall of distance between us and other human beings - humiliation, uncertainty, aggression or fear - it will surely surface as we try to cross the divides. Trying new things will bring us into awkward territory, not quite knowing how to behave. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, and sometimes feel we've made things worse. Still, there is a great benefit to risking it all and hanging in there anyway. The more of us who do, the more things will improve generally.
• Shalini Sinha is an independent producer/journalist and a counsellor on equality issues. She has lectured on women's studies in UCD, and is co-presenter of Mono, RTÉ's intercultural programme.