HEART BEAT:Just how much can the human stomach take? asks DR MAURICE NELIGAN.
'THERE AIN'T no Sanity Claus' said Groucho Marx, considerably predating the Minister for Trolleys and the doughty legions of the HSE. Trouble is there ain't no Sanity Pause either. They hardly stop to draw breath between one idiocy and the next. I suppose though, as there are so many of them, that they run as a sort of relay team in case anybody is overworked.
What am I on about? Well I'll tell you, I hope, coherently, although I know that when the outrages assume blizzard proportions, it is difficult to see through the red mist of rage that clouds your vision.
This week we're practically gorging on them. No celebrity chef will avow responsibility for the recent menu - although it surely takes the Golden Biscuit award. They're all too busy devising new dishes for the jaded palates of the citizenry, pushing their gastronomic tolerance to the limits, and beyond. How much can the human stomach take? This is research at its most fundamental.
Forget about the doctors, forget about manna from heaven; the future lies with the glorious elixir of dreams and illusions concocted by the HSE. We won't need beds, doctors, nurses, or any of those troublesome folk who lurk between us and our bright horizon. If by misfortune any should linger, we can go to tender for a contract to remove them. Doubtless some American gangsters would be much cheaper than our home-grown lot. We see this all the time.
Don't cloud your brains with the 'too many cooks' inanity. Keep your minds open, actually empty would be better, lest you gag on the nauseous concoction we are asking you to swallow.
This has been a bad week. Primus inter pares might be a bit strong but it's certainly up there with the front runners. Of course you've guessed it; I am not talking calories but rather food for thought. Let's put up last week's menu, then vote upon the chefs.
As an appetiser comes news of the Health Information and Quality Authority (HIQA)'s addiction to the humble taxi/hackney. It is reputed that it has often sent letters and documents from its Cork office to Dublin at a mere €425 a trip. The reverse journey is a bit more expensive.
Why would anybody not want to go to Cork? This information comes courtesy of Terence Cosgrave of the Irish Medical Times, published on May 16th, this year. Thanks for giving me indigestion on my birthday, Terence. Whatever happened letters, computers, carrier pigeons for God's sake.
This and other quoted examples are an outrageous waste of taxpayers' money and at a time of hardship for the front-line workers in the service. Taxis to pick up staff, Dublin Airport, €116.92, Roganstown Co Dublin €129.12 and €39.92 (that must have been a mini) and one vital (presumably) messenger was sent to Athlone at a cost of €206.82. These lofty folk have never heard of the buses and trains that us simple folk are daily enjoined to use. For all we know there could be hundreds more vital HIQA documents sitting in the perpetual traffic jam on the Rock Road. That'll cost us. Shut another hospital.
So much for the appetiser; you didn't rate it? Neither did I. Let's look at a main course; how about Cock-Up a la North East? I promise this is special by any standard. It is based on a review of over 4,000 chest X-rays and CT scans reported upon by a locum radiologist working in the region. Some lung cancers were undetected and the patients subsequently, though not necessarily consequentially died.
Panic: "Jesus we'd better have a look at the rest of them and see if there are any more problems. We'll send a letter to the punters [ patients] that we're on the ball. That should reassure them," There might be a flaw in the reasoning there; maybe the said folk might be confused, certainly frightened and hopefully angry.
These emotions might be compounded when it was realised that some of these missives had been sent to the wrong people entirely.
One other familiar ingredient was in the dish. A meddlesome doctor had written to the authorities in 2001 to the effect that this was likely to happen given the over-reliance on locums and the sheer workload for those permanent staff in situ. Well it came to pass. As to sending letters to the wrong people that was because the HSE didn't have enough staff and delegated to a private company! That's enough for my poor stomach for one day.
Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon