'The hardest bit for me was that very first day'

From ages 11 to 18 Danielle Coady had six different foster families, all of whom, she says, were amazing to her.

From ages 11 to 18 Danielle Coady had six different foster families, all of whom, she says, were amazing to her.

DANIELLE COADY was 11 when she was taken from her home outside Waterford and put into care with a foster family.

One of a large family, she says: "The hardest thing for me in the whole foster care cycle was that very first day. I was the oldest living at home at that time and they took me and left all the younger ones there. It still affects me now."

Bewildered and struggling to cope, she was about six months into foster care when her fragile grip on stability was shattered again.

READ MORE

"I was having access with my family once a week and I loved the access; some of my siblings were very young and I needed that. It had to be supervised and, due to a lack of resources, it was cut to once a month."

She was angry and hurt at being deprived of contact with her birth family and resented the "system".

"At that time, I viewed my foster parents as the system as well. I took it as a direct attack on me and I completely blamed them and I know that happens to a lot of foster carers. They have to deal with the backlash from a lack of resources.

"And it's not fair on them, not only do they have to raise the child on a day-to-day basis, but they have to deal with the additional problems and issues which they just can't do anything about."

She went through six different foster families before coming out of care at 18 and describes it as an "awful, awful time" in her life. But she is quick to stress that her foster families "were amazing to me".

"Every family I was with shaped me as to who I am now, particularly my last foster family, the Phelans."

Now an engaging and confident 24-year-old mother of one, who is studying for a Master's, she reflects that it was the pull of the birth family that prevented her settling in care.

"I loved them so much, I was distraught. I never got used to the idea of not living at home with my family and never wanted to live anywhere else. As bad as things are at home, it is still your home.

"And to be taken out of that is traumatic for a child of any age. I think that is why I never settled. I was still clinging on to the hope that I would go home at some stage. Any time I felt I was getting comfortable, I would feel guilty about it and want to go home.

"Countless times I ran away, back to my family home. The foster carers would come after me and talk me round and then deal with the backlash. I feel a lot of guilt for what I put foster families through.

"Three of my foster families really opened their hearts and doors to the rest of my family. For me that is why those three families worked out the longest. I needed to know that they were not judging my family and were working with them."

If a child in care can have just one person who is constantly there for support and guidance, whether it be a social worker, a relative, a foster carer or whoever, she says, it can make a huge difference.

"For me it was my granddad. He is 92 now. He was the one person whose support never gave up. He was my inspiration to go to college.

"At times I felt like I had no one. I felt so confused and lonely in the families, even though it was no fault of theirs. When I felt like that I knew there was one place I could go that would really cheer me up."

While she had to cope with different food and routines with foster carers, she knew her granddad would always be there for her, with spaghetti hoops and sausages chopped up.

At 16 she had reached rock bottom and dropped out of school when classmate Carmel Phelan, an only child, persuaded her parents to become Coady's foster carers. "That changed my life forever. Everything just clicked."

She successfully completed her Leaving Cert and went off to study Arts in University College Cork. But within months she was pregnant.

"For me it was so annoying to get pregnant at 18. I really felt it was expected of me, 'oh she was in foster care, of course she is going to get pregnant young'. I was so annoyed with myself that I made the decision then that I wasn't just going to just be another statistic."

Research shows, she says, that many foster children, particularly ones who move from family to family like her, end up in bad situations.

Coady resumed her third-level education when her daughter was eight months, this time studying social care in Waterford Institute of Technology. "That was tough, but I had to do it. She drove me to excel. I had someone else to do it for.''

After graduating, she won a scholarship funded by the Office of the Minister for Children to do a Master's on Fostering Resilience - a child-centred evaluation of the Irish foster care system. One year into it, she is hoping to switch it over to a PhD.

"For so many kids coming through the care system, it is very easy to get into the 'victim trap'. That is why I am studying resilience, empowering children to make positive decisions in their lives. Not let the problems of their childhood affect the rest of their lives."

When she was growing up in care, "I was so frustrated that I wasn't being listened to". That is changing, she says - children have more of a voice now. But the plight of the over-burdened social workers continues.

"I remember hating all of my social workers. That is very common and it is not their fault. They were the 'baddies' who took me away. And that, coupled with a lack of resources for them, just makes their job impossible."

As soon as she was out of the care system, she became a foster carer for a relative for a year, until he turned 18. And she hopes to foster again when she is in her thirties.

If anybody knows the true contribution foster carers make, it is Coady. She is testament to the dedication of families who opened their homes and hearts to her.

"I feel so lucky to have met the people I met. What we go through in life changes us," she says.

"I am happy with where I am in life and optimistic about the future. Where I am is because of the constant encouragement and support of foster families never giving up on me," she adds. "I have that to thank for my success, also my siblings, my granddad and my daughter."