The Bigger Picture:Many people are struggling with painful feelings or debilitating habits in their lives which they can't seem to shift. The longer this goes on, the more hopeless and fatigued we feel that things could be different, particularly if we've been trying things and nothing's worked so far, writes Shalini Sinha.
Here, I want to explain why things stay stuck and what it takes to get them moving and out of our lives. First of all, misunderstanding about the healing process for emotions is widespread. Parents, for example, in their attempt to be loving and diminish the suffering of their children, often believe that if they stop their child from crying they will stop their child from hurting.
What we don't realise is that human beings don't start crying until after we get hurt. The crying starts the healing process.
This misunderstanding is not just intimately in our homes but systematically in our mental-health system. Just like parents, workers and consultants often don't realise or believe we have a natural mechanism to heal emotions, even that feelings can be healed.
If they did, they would never encourage the suppression or manipulation of emotions with drugs, but would invest in supporting that process.
Instead, much of what goes on in the mental health system is not focused on facilitating health, but creating control. If you cry, tremble or laugh too much, it means you're "breaking down" and are in "no fit state" to be in charge of your life.
Basically, your brain isn't working right. This couldn't be further from the truth. Nevertheless, many of us fear these labels, or worse being "carted away" and "locked up", and so keep our behaviours within the "accepted" limits.
This adds extra stress: not only do we have our pain to deal with, but in addition we're busy trying to distract ourselves from, or avoid altogether, our feelings. And so, we drink, smoke, eat too much, eat too little, hide away, look for sex, watch TV, use drugs, whatever will numb the pain.
For a while, it probably makes us look like we're "functioning". However, in the middle of it, we usually either can't sleep or sleep too much (waking un-refreshed), still have to battle the feelings, and judge ourselves harshly in the process.
At this stage, we genuinely can't work or function well. We're too beaten down and exhausted.
What's missing from all of the above - the reason why crying 100 hours by ourselves at home hasn't made a difference (in fact, we may feel worse), an analysis of the problem hasn't eliminated the feelings, and behavioural distractions only last so long - is the opportunity for a message to enter our minds, no matter how small, that is positive, powerful and true about us, despite the hurt.
At the most basic level, the truth is that we survived. We must have done something intelligent to have stayed alive through the struggle. In addition, the fact remains that regardless of what happened to us, we were (and still are) truly beautiful, lovable and significant. That can never change - even if someone else's hurts caused them to treat us as if it weren't true - and we're not the only ones to notice it about us.
It makes sense that this is not work we do by ourselves. When our heads are full of painful experiences, it's hard to remember what is powerful and true about us against the feeling. Rather, for human beings, this is provided through our loving connections with each other.
When we can let these messages into our mind, the healing begins. Our bodies spontaneously release hurts - through exactly the laughing, trembling, crying, sweating and also yawning that others found unacceptable.
All the while, that positive message goes into the back of our minds, and grows until there is no room left for the hurt. Here, we gain space for new thoughts and our perspective changes.
The effect of this can be so profound, it's worth striving for things simply because they positively contradict our distresses. That is, doing things, being places and investing in relationships that help us to remember how valuable and good we are. In this light, I often give my clients the following guideline for decision-making: "I can do this or I don't have to. Whatever I choose, let it build my confidence/ strengthen my self-esteem/ increase my power."
When we act against our distresses, we create more hope and empowerment. This, in turn, encourages the struggle to surface for healing. This is why we sometimes find ourselves feeling bad when we are acting most powerfully; our feelings should not be taken as a reason to halt our direction.
As long as we get to release the feelings as we go - in the presence of trust and belief in us - the pain will drain and disappear. This is true no matter how painful or deeply ingrained the feelings might seem. Never underestimate the power of encouraging attention in unlocking human potential. If you can't currently think of a place where you can access this in your life, know that it's what I want for you, and you can take that with you into your mind.
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Shalini Sinha works as a life coach, practises the Bowen technique, and delivers seminars in emotional healing.