THAT'S MEN:Everyone needs both people and personal space, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL level, human beings are driven by conflicting needs. Lots of us have experienced the conflict between the need to stay fit and the need to stay in bed and eat chocolate. As we know only too well, the need that wins out is not always the one that ought to win out if we wish to be paragons of virtue.
In a week in which we are encouraged to focus on mental health, it seems to me that two often-conflicting needs in particular are important. One is the need for connections and the second is the need for freedom.
We are genetically driven to seek out connections with other people. We will even seek connections with totally unsuitable people if no one else is available.
People who isolate themselves, or who are isolated by others, begin to wilt away, emotionally. Evidence even suggests that isolation makes us more susceptible to dementia later in life.
Making connections and feeding your sense of belonging doesn’t necessarily mean having to live in someone else’s ear. We all vary in the amount of connection we need and can tolerate.
Some need face-to-face contact many times a day. For others, face-to-face contact a few times a week is enough.
The essential point is that if you want to foster mental health, then work on having as much contact with other people as you need whether that is in the workplace, the home, the pub, sports, political groups, on Facebook, on the phone, on Skype or all of the above.
But don’t neglect the need for freedom. In my experience, people who don’t get enough freedom tend to get very cranky and frustrated.
For couples, just because you’re together until death do you part doesn’t mean you must be within sight or hearing of each other at all times. Indeed, if one partner insists on this, the other partner may well decide to take a hike long before the Grim Reaper would have called a halt.
People need their own space, their own time and their own activities. If you find that you’re feeling frustrated and grumpy, think about consider whether you’re getting enough everyday freedoms and consider what you can do about it. Sometimes a walk around the block or not going to mammy for dinner every Sunday is enough to do the trick. If your need for freedom is exceptionally strong, you may yearn to sail around the world single-handed.
I want to mention a particular trap for couples in which one partner is depressed. It is all too easy to arrive at a situation in which the life of the non-depressed partner revolves around the other person’s depression and, of course, that person’s life is also revolving around his or her own depression – so neither is really free.
The partner without depression may occasionally express the frustration they feel at the constraints which this is putting on their lives together – the lack of support, intimacy, fun and so on. The depressed person may find that becoming even more depressed helps to ward off displays of anger from their partner. This creates a vicious circle in which two unhappy people spiral into further unhappiness.
In this situation, matters are unlikely to improve until a way is found for each partner to experience some space, freedom, autonomy. For instance, one or both partners should be able to go out (separately) to activities in which he or she is interested. They also need to work out how to express their emotions without having to wait until anger builds to an outburst and without anybody feeling they have to retreat into further depression for protection.
That’s easier said than done but worth the effort. The alternative is pretty grim.
Mental health isn’t rocket science. Paying attention to your human needs, including those for connection and freedom, can make for a more enjoyable life and better mental health.
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is accredited as a counsellor by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail.