Owen Connolly believes men have unique gifts to give to their families, writes Sylvia Thompson
Dublin-based counsellor and family therapist Owen Connolly (62) believes that men need to undergo a revolution of sorts, in the way that women have.
"It's time for men to examine their unique gifts - of leadership, decision-making and the ability to 'put the shoulder to the wheel' and use those gifts to enrich the lives of their families and the society around them," he says frankly.
As a contribution to this revolution, Connolly - who has just completed an Open University degree in psychology - has written a parenting book, aimed specifically at men.
The book, Standing on the Shoulders of Giants - from father to dad, is self-published and financed by one of the participants on Connolly's day-long courses for fathers, On the Shoulders of Giants.
He says that many men feel their particular gifts are unacceptable to the women of today's world, but he adds that he believes women still look for these gifts in committed relationships. He explains, "many men are lost. They don't know themselves and the qualities they have to offer. They have lived with assumptions about themselves and they don't feel so free.
"Some men are also unable to commit to relationships and find it difficult to maintain long-term relationships," he adds.
Connolly had quite an unorthodox adolescence himself which had an impact on his life and perhaps later fuelled his ambition to become the busy family therapist and counsellor he now is.
The eldest of 10 children, he refused to move to Paris, France with his family when his father got a job as a chief of operations with an airline company. Instead, he opted to live with his aunt in Dublin, having left school already at the age of 12.
He speaks openly about the severe dyslexia which made school impossible for him, his training as a chef, carpenter and later his work in sales.
He is also forthcoming on the difficulties in his marriage which first led himself and his wife, Claire, to counselling.
"Seven years into my marriage, my wife, Claire, said that she was missing things in our marriage. We had two sons. I was working hard in sales and wasn't aware that my wife's need for affection was an area I was missing out on."
So therein began a learning curve for Claire and Owen Connolly which found them training to be family counsellors with Dr David Ferguson and Teresa Ferguson at Intimate Life Ministries, a family resource centre in Austin, Texas, United States in the early 1990s. Claire Connolly now works as a youth counsellor at the YMCA in Aungier St, Dublin.
In 1996, Owen Connolly became involved in The Nurture Institute for Further Education for Parents and, over the past 10 years, he has become one of the key facilitators of a parenting course, initially held in Froebel College in Blackrock, Dublin and now based in the All Hallows College in Drumcondra, Dublin.
These courses include the aforementioned one-day course for dads entitled On the Shoulders of Giants which Connolly is very committed to. He acknowledges the influential role played by David and Teresa Ferguson both on him personally and on his work as a family therapist.
"The course was brilliant for our relationship. I developed a deeper understanding of our emotional needs," he says.
The fact that the approach is based on Christian principles was also a factor. "When I was 35, I had an experience which I couldn't explain in any rational way which led me to a belief in God," explains Connolly. His own parents were what he describes as lapsed Catholics.
In 1998, Connolly began the Open University degree course in psychology which he completed earlier this year. He is confident that he will be accepted onto the forthcoming register for psychologists soon to be set up by the Psychological Society of Ireland.
Standing on the Shoulders of Giants is written in a question/answer format and deals with many of the questions Connolly has been asked on his courses.
In the book, Connolly teases out general male and female personality traits. Like many other psychologists, he expounds on how men are more task-focused while women are more tuned into feelings and emotions. Understanding these differences enhances a couple's relationship hugely, according to Connolly.
In the book, he also gives tips on parenting young children and teenagers and offers his personal opinions on difficulties facing blended families, mixed-culture families and parents of adopted children.
The book is interesting in that Connolly presents clear explanations on how old hurts from childhood can be carried into our personal relationships as adults. However, he does so without referring to various psychological theories and frequently mixes personal opinion with theory.
This writing style might be disconcerting for some readers but will give others a chance to assimilate psychological concepts more easily. He also offers readers a chance to compile their own emotional inventories and forgive themselves for inappropriate beliefs they have carried with them into adulthood.
And back to his views on men's role in the world at this time. In his book, Connolly writes, "men must accept and use all their gifts in order to bless their families and to make their world a better place".
He continues, "I want each man to see the considerable contribution he has to make to his children, and I want to encourage each man to pass on the qualities and values that will help his children survive whatever's thrown at them."
Ultimately, Connolly believes that a stable society is based on couples who stay together to provide a safe environment for their children to grow up in. "We take relationships for granted and the sad thing is that when couples separate, the father often spends huge amounts of time with his children because it is structured for him to do so. If he spent that much time with his children to begin with, things might have turned out differently."
Aware that some of his views might prove controversial to some, Connolly adds, "If we aren't truthful and honest, and reveal through study and personal experience the problems we face, we will have a society based on myths and misinformation that don't help anyone."
Standing on the Shoulders of Giants - from father to dad by Owen Connolly, published by Nurture Press, 140 Meadow Grove, Dundrum, Dublin.