ASK THE EXPERT:Enforce your own rules in your own house. If visitors don't like it, they can decide not to visit, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
MY NEPHEW is not allowed to watch television. He regularly spends time in our house, where no such rule exists for my kids (that said, they aren't allowed to watch too much). Should we be enforcing this rule when he's over?
My short answer is no, you should not be enforcing the no TV rule when he comes to visit.
I believe it is completely up to you to decide on what or how much TV gets viewed in your house.
Your nephew's parents have a clear decision made for themselves too but it is only fair for that to be imposed in their house.
I think when it is your house then your rules and your parenting beliefs are what should be enforced. If visitors (parents or children) have a problem with that then it is up to them to decide whether to visit.
It does happen sometimes that when we let our children visit other people's homes, it is only in hindsight we realise that their parenting style or their strategies or rules might not be what we want for our children.
Sometimes it is possible to talk to them about that but we do have to be very careful to ensure that we don't just impose our values and beliefs on them.
I'm not clear from your question whether the TV issue is something that you have discussed with your relatives.
If it is a request they have asked of you (to not turn on the telly when your nephew is present) then you need to think about the consequences for all the children.
If, for example, you were to impose a no TV rule to satisfy the desire of your relations, then it might turn out to be a rule that causes unnecessary friction between your nephew and your children, who may blame him for being denied any TV when he comes to visit.
Under those circumstances I'd guess it wouldn't take long for your nephew to become an unpopular visitor.
On the flip side, if you are clear that the usual amount of telly can be watched then I'd say that for your nephew it is a real bonus coming to visit you for that chance to watch a bit of TV!
My four-year-old son stole a bag of sweets from our local shop. Once I realised, I marched him back in, paid for them (they were opened but he was not allowed eat them), informed the owner and apologised.
He was very upset and embarrassed (as was I) but now I'm worried, as I thought he knew stealing was wrong. How should I handle this so that it doesn't happen again?
It sounds to me like you have already handled it very well indeed. You took very clear and immediate action (immediacy of response is always helpful with four year olds) to let him know that what he did was not acceptable.
You showed him the correct thing to do (paying for the sweets). His consequence for not paying initially was that he didn't get to eat them. You also insisted that he apologise for stealing (and no doubt explained in the process what stealing means).
The fact that your son was upset and embarrassed is a good thing. It is part of the negative consequence that he experienced which will hopefully remind him not to do something similar again.
The notion of your son realising that "stealing was wrong" is somewhat more complex. At his age, it is much more about behaviour and consequences than about moral rights and wrongs.
For pre-schoolers they are more or less either acting or not acting according to how they judge the consequences (as in, getting away without being punished or corrected). Or even more likely, they are not even planning ahead enough to remember that there are consequences.
So his understanding of right and wrong is dependent on what you tell him is right and what you tell him is wrong.
In some cases he will learn this quickly and in some cases you might have to tell him and show him several times before he learns this.
True remorse for wrongs done only develops in adolescence. Our consciences don't exist before this. So don't be worried about trying to get your four year old to understand and make sense of the morals of stealing.
For now he needs clear and unambiguous messages that you will not accept him taking things that he does not own. In your situation, I think that you have very effectively given him that.
However, because he is just four, don't be too worried if you discover that you have to give him the same lesson once or twice more before he really learns it.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and author ofParenting is Child's Play . He recently presented21st Century Child on RTÉ television.
Readers' queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot answer individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie