Being gracious not only endears us to others - it makes us happier individuals, writes Marie Murray
THANK YOU. Two words. Much meaning. The words "thank you" may be used with deepest gratitude or in a perfunctory, obligatory, social manner.
But regardless of why they are conveyed, it is important that they are said, because they conclude interpersonal exchanges, cement relationships and are an acknowledgement of those who have given, by those who have received.
Acknowledgement is at the heart of the desire to be thanked. Without it people are left worrying about whether letters got lost in the post, whether parcels arrived safely, whether the date of the birthday or event was incorrect or whether the gift sent was damaged, inappropriate, unacceptable or went astray.
It is said that "swift gratitude is sweetest" and of course "thank you" expressed promptly is ideal. It does not require elaborate statements.
It is understood that its speed may limit the depth of its expression. It is gratefully received because it is a particular form of appreciation: appreciation that is sincere and timely.
It suggests that not only was there gratitude but that the person could not wait to convey it. It is the ideal way to respond.
But what is more interesting is that expressing one's thanks has significant psychological benefits for the person who does this.
In positive psychology terms it reminds the person expressing gratitude of the kindness, gift, support or care that was extended to them. It re-visits the emotions felt when the kindness was received.
It fosters feelings of wellbeing, self-esteem, being worthwhile and being cared about. That is why writing to say a genuine thank you to another person leaves the writer feeling positive, nurtured and appreciative. Putting words on emotions often creates those emotions.
Saying thank you makes us feel grateful and this may extend out to other aspects of our lives. It is part of what shapes the positive and optimistic disposition. It determines whether that famous metaphorical glass is half full or half empty.
The experience of benevolence or expectations of kindness from other people shape our perception of the world, which in turn influences how others respond to us.
Simplistically, people who view life with gratitude for the good things it brings have more good things brought to them. Their positivity generates generosity in others. Their rose-tinted lenses colour their world with a rosy glow.
There is, of course, a major distinction to be drawn between gratitude and indebtedness: the former being positive, the latter being negative in psychological wellbeing terms. For we do not want to be under an obligation to other people, we do not want to owe a debt to others.
This is why it is important to be able to receive as well as being able to give and to give as well as to receive. A balance is required to maintain the dignity and respect of everyone in the relationship.
Of course, giving and receiving cannot become activities that alternate assiduously or that are quantified. Generosity is not to be measured. Giving must be spontaneous, unstinting and from the disposition of wanting to do something for another.
What is received need not be costly or large. The cliche that it's the thought that counts really pertains: what makes a gift special is that someone thought about what you might like and went to the trouble of acquiring and sending it. In fact, it is often the simplest gift that touches us when it is one that shows that thought went into it. The gratitude one feels for these gifts is "the memory of the heart".
At a psychological level, those who express thankfulness about life are regarded as more empathic and helpful than others. They place less importance on objects and are regarded as less envious than others. They appreciate life more.
They recognise what is good, acknowledge it, savour it and are more willing to share what they have with other people.
Perhaps this is why parents are so meticulous in teaching their children to say "thank you". The refrains, "say please" "say thank you" and "what do you say?" escape parental lips with a frequency that is amazing to witness on any occasion that requires them.
For parents know that, unless their children are imbued with an understanding of what they have received and automatic acknowledgement of it, they will be less happy and viewed less favourably.
Therefore, in a spirit of thankfulness it behoves me to say to you - thank you for reading these words today.
mmurray@irish-times.ie Clinical psychologist Marie Murray is the director of the Student Counselling Services in University College Dublin