MIND MOVES: Dialoguing with what we are experiencing can lead to a feeling of peace
PEOPLE EXPERIENCING depression often describe it as blackness, usually accompanied by great emotional pain, generally experienced as a very unwelcome intruder. Joan talked to her thick black cloud. This dialogue was confrontational, reflecting Joan’s fear and revulsion:
“Hello Joan. Will you welcome me?”
“Indeed I won’t. I hate you and you frighten me.”
“What would you say if I told you I was here to stay? I’d give you hell.”
“No, you won’t. I don’t want you to stay and I certainly won’t let you get the better of me.”
“So you say. But wait!”
“You shall have no power over what is essentially me.”
“You are determined. A few struggles ahead of you yet.”
“Well, you can know that you are not going to win. My spirituality gives me a radiance and joy, which you are not going to best.”
Afterwards, Joan felt no better: “the dark cloud covers me completely”. I suggested that she dialogue gently, seeking to understand its presence and purpose:
“Black Cloud, you come to me very often. At times, as when friends leave, I expect you to come and yet, I am fearful of the feelings of despair and great sadness.”
“Yes, you have suffered, you have felt alone. It has been hard for you to have hope. I was almost becoming part of you. I want to help.”
“How? What can you do for me? What purpose do you serve?”
“Do not run away as you have been wanting to. Sit with me, sit with the sadness within you. Integrate it. Your sadness and woundedness is causing a deep compassion to be born and nurtured within you. I want you to come through this difficult time not with a broken heart, but with a heart full of love and compassion.”
“Will I get through it? At times it is too painful. Why do you come to me in such a stripping, purifying way?”
“You need me less. Let more light into your life so that I am not needed.”
“How?”
“Be with people. Interact with them. List five things at the end of each day for which you are grateful.”
“Thank you for the good advice you give me.”
“You need me less and less as you take my prompting. Do please listen to me.”
“I was afraid I would be overwhelmed, so I pushed you away and resisted you.”
“Look at your fears, befriend them, name them.”
“My three big fears are fear of poor vision, hearing loss and memory loss. Without these losses, I would be very well.”
“So far, you are coping. Things are difficult for you when you cannot see so well in the garden or in the shops and when a number of people are talking in a group. Yet, you can interact with others. You can do most things.”
“Thank you for reminding me of all I can do. I can be who I am. Many acknowledge my gifts and contribution without ever being aware of my sight and hearing deficit.”
“I notice how you love the sun. Without me (darkness), you wouldn’t appreciate it.”
“I miss the sun when it is dark, but that is changing now.”
“I will come and go when you need me, but I won’t stay all the time.”
“I would like to be able to accept you and not resist you nor push you away.”
“I am your friend. If you can see me in that light, you will feel less afraid.”
“What about the sadness? Sadness for all I have lost overcomes me at times.”
“Don’t run away from the sadness. You have lost what is precious to you, but you have gained – can I say, even more.”
“I find it hard to see what I have gained, compassion for others, self-compassion, the ability to slow down. I believe there is growth also. Maybe imperceptible growth, but growth nonetheless. The sadness is within me. I am unable to locate it or deal with it. Can you help me?”
“I am with you to help you deal with it.”
“I grieve for my sight and hearing loss. It is stressful to try to hear and to see well enough to read.”
“You listen well to people. You can read with a magnifying glass. You are inventive in coping.”
“I know I am. Thank you for the lessons you have taught me. I hardly need you at all now.”
“You have learned well and quickly, but I will stay around for a bit in case you need me.”
Afterwards, Joan wrote “I feel I have turned the corner”. Two months on, the black cloud has not returned.
Dialoguing with whatever we are experiencing will not always have such rapid, tangible benefits. But it can be a productive way to learn from what we experience, often leading to greater understanding and peace within us.
Dr Terry Lynch is a GP and psychotherapist, practising in Limerick