ASK THE EXPERT:Issues around clothes are common, and may be the child's way of seeking your attention, writes David Coleman
My eldest child is about to turn four in January. I have just the one problem with him. He insists on wearing the same pair of tracksuit pants every day. And I mean he insists! He could have the most massive tantrums if he doesn't get to wear them.
One day I thought he would give himself brain damage because he was hitting his head repeatedly off the floor. I have two other little ones as well as him and so I barely have time to think let alone argue and fight with him every morning as I try to get him ready for preschool. Is it normal to be so obsessed with one pair of trousers and more importantly is there any way I can get him to wear other tracksuits without the fighting? It is wearing me down.
I AM SURE that many other parents around the country are nodding sagely, thinking "ah yes, I've been there". I'm not sure, either that they have any particularly easy solution for you.
Many toddlers and preschoolers get fixated on a particular item of clothing that they "must" wear day in and day out, it is very common.
I often think it is related to either the developing independence of the toddler/preschooler and their desire to assert their will, or to the comfort and security of having the same thing every day.
In either case there is an argument for letting your child have the same clothes if that is what he so desperately wants. After all, letting your child make small, independent, decisions appropriate to his age allows him to learn the skills to make bigger and more important decisions when he is older.
Also, feeling secure and confident going out into the world each day is a good thing for a child (rather than going out feeling that you don't look right and that you have fallen out with your mother or father again!).
Many of us adults like to wear particular clothes on occasion and we believe it gives us a particular look or that it sets a particular tone that we want to project. So why wouldn't a child feel similarly?
With all this in mind, many parents give up the fighting and simply wash the clothing every evening so it is clean and ready for the next day. Or, in the face of mounting washing they let the dirt build up each day to the point that a wash is unavoidable and so suffer the pain of the row as infrequently as possible!
Another way to avoid the rows is to see if you can buy more of the exact same tracksuit pants and so have some spares ready such that there is always one there for him to wear while the other is being washed.
The alternative is to insist on him wearing whatever you have available for him and sustaining his tantrums.
There is an argument in favour of this too, because it does let him know you are boss and that you make the decisions. It is okay for the parent of a preschooler to be still making most of the decisions, even though he is experimenting with asserting his will.
Ultimately, children need to learn, in life, that they can't always get what they want. The ensuing frustration and disappointment are feelings they need to learn to cope with. Unfortunately, teaching this lesson, using the tracksuit pants as the issue, comes at the cost of the daily row.
Frankly, important though it may be, I don't think that this lesson is worth that daily, grinding, row. I would be very confident that if he wasn't rowing about his clothes he will find something else to row with you about. So there may be other opportunities that arise, at better times of the day, where you can help him learn to cope with the frustration of not getting his own way.
Remember too, that in your situation particularly, it is also possible that your son takes advantage of the opportunity for some daily time in which, during the row about his tracksuit, you are focused only on him.
With the two other younger children I would guess it is almost impossible to give him "quality time" alone with you. This may be his method of ensuring some, albeit negative, exclusive time. If so, then you must applaud his ingenuity at finding the hook to draw you in every day!
So, if you continue to battle then be aware that it might also be reinforcing his attention-seeking demands of you. His need for attention can be better dealt with by building in some daily positive time for him and you alone, even if it is just 10 minutes. Ten minutes he can rely on is better than no time at all.
On balance, if I were in your shoes, I'd go shopping for more of those tracksuit pants!
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com