THAT'S MEN:Mothers are left holding the babies while the fathers go around totally disconnected from their children
ALFIE PATTEN is the English boy who, earlier this year, was alleged to have fathered a child at the age of 12.
The fact that he looks like a nine year old in his photographs made the claim that 15-year-old Chantelle Stedman had given birth to his baby all the more startling.
When Chantelle asserted that they had unprotected sex just once because she had missed taking the pill an amazed public could only look on in wonder.
What were we learning about society, about fatherhood, about childhood?
And before we had time to answer that question, along came the tabloids with reports that a string of young teenage boys were claiming to be the real father.
Then a judge banned further reporting and the steam went out of the story.
So when it was revealed, with judicial consent, that DNA tests showed Alfie was not, in fact, the father, the media reaction was fairly muted.
In Britain, the MPs’ expenses scandal was bubbling nicely. In Ireland, excitement was building ahead of the local and European elections as we sought to take revenge for the end of life as we know it.
Alfie, Chantelle and baby were dismissed from our minds. But let’s take another look at their story because it tells us about shifts that are taking place in society.
It may be a British story – but I suspect we have our own Alfies and Chantelles except that they don’t get into the papers.
To me the fascinating thing about this story is that a string of possible fathers came forward claiming paternity.
They didn’t shut up and hope not to be found out – they proudly claimed responsiblity.
I am using the word “responsibility” in a limited sense. What they were claiming responsibility for was having sex with Chantelle and getting her pregnant. I’m pretty sure they were not offering to take on responsibility for everything that goes with rearing a child.
In other words, this story, I suggest, illustrates a growing disconnection between being a biological father and actually rearing a child.
Who will rear the child? Well, the mother and the mother’s family. And, if I may depart from the Chantelle case for a moment, who will pay for its upkeep? Sometimes the mother or the mother’s family, sometimes the taxpayer, often both.
BBC Radio 5 interviewed the father of the 15 year old who turned out to be the real dad of Chantelle’s baby.
“You can’t just leave the mother to bring it up on her own with the parents, even if it’s only a matter of giving them money every now and again,” he said. “I’ve also said to him, if it comes to it, and it is his, he has to have his responsibilities, and I don’t mind playing the dutiful grandfather.”
The idea that fatherhood might only be “a matter of giving them money every now and again” illustrates to me the disconnection between biological fatherhood and actual parenting.
And giving them money “every now and again” suggests that we are not exactly talking about a steady income here.
Also, to say that “I don’t mind playing the dutiful grandfather” doesn’t exactly convey an impression of unbridled enthusiasm.
And notice that this is the father of the father speaking. These sorts of ideas are now passing from generation to generation.
Many moons ago I read something by some old communist chap – possibly Lenin – about primitive societies in which everybody took responsibility for the rearing of children within the extended family group.
Babies sort of appeared without anybody having too clear an idea of how they got there. They were fed and clothed and reared by the family group and everybody was happy until nasty notions of property and inheritance and patriarchy and such came along and ruined everything.
It all seemed very romantic at the time. But it’s not really. It’s the Chantelles and their mothers who are left holding the babies while the fathers go around disconnected from their children and from their role in society. And the babies grow up to the same fate. It’s a life. But is it the life we want?
pomorain@ireland.com
Padraig O’Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book,
That's Men, the best of the That's Men column from The Irish Times
, is published by Veritas